


The One In Which They Find New Parents

by sixth_dr_whomst, StoneForests



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Multi, Multiple OC relationships, Time Lord Ianto Jones, Violence, gratuitous broadway references, haven has ocs and emmett has weird ideas, meaning the rani threatens some transphobes with a knife, mormons are awful, rassilon and mormons are weirdly similar, the polys are awesome parents, the rani is a good mom, this is just a crackfic, this is really gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-07-25 00:46:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16186574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sixth_dr_whomst/pseuds/sixth_dr_whomst, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StoneForests/pseuds/StoneForests
Summary: Hartley and their friends end up in another universe- one in which the Doctor (and everyone associated with them) is real.





	1. A Musical Beginning

“Rani, I’m putting my headset in if you need anything!” Ellie Fischer called, pulling her phone out and turning on her Spotify. She clicked on the Hamilton album and put her headphones in before sitting down to start grading papers. She started humming the beat of  _ Schuyler Sisters _ , lip syncing along with Aaron Burr until the sisters started to sing.

Somewhere down the hall, the doors burst open. “Clem, you didn’t have to be so loud.” Hartley Blair commented softly. 

She just shrugged and continued down the hall. “Okay, so: you’re going left, I’m right. Meet back here in twenty minutes if we don’t find anything.”

“Gotcha. Take care.”

They started down the hallway.

“Daddy said to be home by sundown,” Ellie sang in a nasal soprano. She dropped her voice to a more melodic tone. “Daddy doesn’t need to know.” Back to the nasal. “Daddy said not to go downtown!” Now a bit of a middle point. “Like I said, you’re free to go.”

If this were a cartoon, Hartley’s ears would have cocked like a cat’s. They started to turn in circles, trying to find the source of the singing, and then started towards it at what Clem would call their “totally-not-a-speed-walk speed walk”. They poked their head in the doorway, just quiet enough to avoid detection.

Ellie had continued in the melodic voice. “But look around, look around, the Revolution’s happening in New York…” She paused on that note, leaving herself a moment to breathe rather than trying to continue the echo. 

As she continued with the song, Hartley started to sway on their balls of their heels, head bopping to a beat outside of the rhythm of the instrumentals. Inside their own head, despite not being able to hear the actual music, the background started to fill their head, and it took them actually clenching their fists hard to remind themself not to sing. By the time the chorus came around, Ellie was dancing along to a half-assed version of the show’s actual choreography, which she’d learned out of sheer boredom. From behind them, the Rani leaned against the doorframe, her voice dropping to somewhere just above a tenor. 

“Whoo, there’s nothing like summer in the city. Someone in a rush next to someone lookin’ pretty. Excuse me, miss, I know it’s not funny, but your perfume smells like your daddy’s got money. Why you slummin’ in the city in your fancy heels? You searchin’ for an urchin who can give you ideals?” 

Ellie turned, breaking into a grin. “Burr, you disgust me.”

“Ah, so you’ve discussed me,” the Rani continued, grinning. “I’m a trust fund, baby, you can trust me.”

Hartley, now crouched in the corner of the doorway, trying to stay out of sight, tapped their fingers against their leg. They really wanted to stand up, to sing, to interrupt and dance their ass off, but they still had things to do. As quietly as they could, they stood up and snuck back out of the doorway.

Until they kicked over a pile of textbooks and face-planted. Ellie let out a startled yelp and dropped her phone, Spotify shutting off as her headphones disconnected. 

“Erm, who are you?” she asked.

“NO ONE! I’m no one, don’t worry about it-”

They’re sprinting down the hall before they’ve finished their sentence.

“That was… odd,” Ellie commented finally. 

“I still want to know who they were,” the Rani said with a shrug. 

“Murder?” Vae asked hopefully, picking her head up from where she’d been laying on the sofa nearby. 

“No murder!” Ellie shouted exasperatedly. “That is  _ illegal _ , Vae!”

“But it is fun,” Vae pointed out.

“Calm down there, Deadpool,” the Rani muttered, immediately regretting her sentence as soon as she realised just how much time she’d been spending on Earth. 

Hartley poked their head back in, like an ass. “Deadpool?” Ellie waved at them. 

“Deadpool is the Rani’s favourite. He reminds her of herself,” she said. The Rani shot her a halfhearted glare, but it was true.

“He stabs things, just like me,” Vae added helpfully. “Is Deadpool real, Rani? I want to get some advice from him.”

“Vae, love, we’ve been over this,” Ellie replied, taking on a more patient tone. “Fiction and real life are different things. Deadpool is fiction.”

“What, so travelling through time with a bitchy alien scientist and her daughter is just fine, but an immortal mercenary is totally unrealistic?” Vae asked with a huff. 

“I- I’m sorry, can we back up to, like, names?” Hartley asked, eyebrows raised, hands motioning in circles frantically.

“Sorry,” the Rani said. “I’m the Rani, renegade Time Lady.”

“Eleana Fischer. Call me Ellie.”

“Vaella Renliss. I go by Vae.”

“Normally, my daughter Diana is here, but she’s off visiting her brother in Wales,” the Rani added.

“Semi-immortal alien genius, and he lives in  _ Wales _ ?” Ellie asked.

“He likes the scenery,” the Rani said. “Especially the backside of one Jack Harkness.”

“No, I- wait- I- hang on-” Hartley physically stopped, taking a very deep breath. “Rani. The Rani.  _ The  _ Rani The Rani. Renegade Time Lady, used to know The Doctor ‘n the Master, obsessed with dinosaurs. Previously assumed by assholes like me to be-” They cut themself off suddenly, and shook their head. “Never mind. But, like, the Rani. Holy fuck, my dudes. This is fucking- wild, oh my god.”

They made a quiet wheezing noise, and ran a hand through their hair. “Adam is never gonna believe this.”

“I hadn’t realised I was quite so famous,” the Rani remarked, looping a curl of dark red hair behind her ear. “Among my former colleagues, of course… I did try to kill the Doctor a few times, but quite frankly, that’s just foreplay.”

“Rani!” Ellie yelped. The Rani just shrugged.

“If my identity startles you so much, I suppose it’s a good thing Diana isn’t here.”

“I- who’s- you know what, I’m going to trust that you’re right, and shut the fuck my mouth-”

They sat down on the floor, and blinked heavily. “Okay. So. Obviously, we somehow slipped universes, to somewhere where…” They looked back up at the Rani and company, who were staring at them with what was possibly concern or distrust. “...where, y’know, things are different and not as I thought they were. I need to get my friends and get out of here.” They stood up quickly, and tried to grin warmly. “Sorry. Just lost one of my friends, and we’re trying to find him again. I’ll- get scooching, adios!” With a soft  _ vworp _ , a dark-haired woman appeared next to the Rani, grinning as she closed the vortex manipulator on her wrist.

“Hey, Mum. Hey, gals. Ianto sends his love,” Diana said cheerfully, facing her mother’s companions.

“IANTO??” Hartley yelled, bouncing onto the tips of their toes. “FOR FUCK’S SAKE HOW BIG IS THIS FUCKING FAMILY?”


	2. Explanations

“Well, there’s my husband, our sometimes-spouse, and our three kids,” the Rani explained.

“Father’s the Master,” Diana supplied helpfully. “Dad- at least, I think they’re Dad right now- is the Doctor, but Father’s my biological dad.”

“And Romana and Ianto are Diana’s elder siblings. Twins, actually,” the Rani added, more amused than anything now.

“Romanadvoratrelundar - President of Gallifrey, our charming most-definitely-not Imperiatrix - is Ianto Jones’ twin sister. And also the lovechild of the Rani and the Master, who are in a poly relationship with the Doctor.”

“If it’s any consolation, the twins are possibly the Doctor’s. I never bothered to actually check,” the Rani said.

They wheezed softly again, and pulled their hands down over their eyes. “No, actually, that’s not consolation.” They said softly, and there’s a hint of a voice crack.

“Hart??”

They jumped as a tall blonde with short hair appeared behind them, and then grabbed said blonde’s hand and start walking away. “ADAM, I’LL EXPLAIN LATER!” And there it is, the fabled voice-crack. Ellie stepped forward with the intention of hugging Hartley.

“You alright?” she asked.

“NO!” They cried, and then stopped entirely. “I’m just- I-” They shut their mouth, and shook their head. “It’s not something you’d wanna hear. Just suffice it to say, the Doctor’s always been a hero of mine and like, this is now a position in which I literally could go find them and thank them, but it brings up many many weird questions and-” They took a deep breath- “and I dunno, this is a lot and it’s a new universe which means weird sensory input from the Extra Senses and- oof you are a stranger and I have just dumped my emotions on you, I’m sorry, I’m skipping town now.”

“It sounds to me like you’re seconds from a panic attack,” Ellie commented quietly, intimately familiar with the symptoms. 

“Yeah, that’s pretty much my life in a summary, it’s nothing new.” 

“Well, rather than hyperventilating, can you take a few deep breaths?” she asked, completely ready to coach them through the standard breathing exercises. If she wasn’t already familiar with coaching herself through them, she had plenty of students who needed the help too. God bless the 21st century and all its mental health bullshit, right?

Hartley gave a dry chuckle. “Small advantages of people actually, like, talking to each other on the Interwebs. Yes, I’m breathing; I’ve been trying to for the last few minutes.”

Adam piped up at that. “They’re psychic, and when they get overloaded they can have a hard time determining the difference between what was thought and what was actually spoken.”

“I can shield Vae and Ellie’s thoughts, if that would help,” the Rani offered, startling Diana. 

“Mum and I can shield too,” she added after a moment of hesitation. She wasn’t exactly used to  _ helping _ people, given that her father’s current form was extremely sadistic to anyone outside of his family.

They nodded, grabbing onto Adam’s arm tighter. “If that’s, like, okay, with you, yes, that would be helpful.”

“It’s barely noticeable to us,” Ellie confirmed. 

“And it’s hardly a problem. Diana takes after her father in the psychic department,” the Rani continued. Without even blinking, she put up a low-level psychic shield around her companions’ minds before raising her own, and Diana followed suit. “Better?”

They hummed quietly, and nodded. “Thanks.” They mumbled, and absently trace the patterns on Adam’s hand. “I- I’m sorry, there’s a lot going on with sensory stuff and throwing the whole  _ Doctor Who _ thing on top just.” They sighed, and then tensed. “Shit.” They said, and tightened their grip on Adam’s hand. He squeezed back.

“What’s  _ Doctor Who _ ?” Diana asked.

“And you don’t need to worry about sensory overload,” the Rani said. “I struggle with it from time to time myself. Not as often as other problems, but it’s certainly present.”

“I don’t get overload as much as my cousin.” They started, slowly starting to uncoil. “They get overloaded pretty quickly, I generally get understimulated. It’s still really shitty, but this is a new kind of shitty. I don’t think I like it. Sorry, I ramble when I’m- y’know.” They waved their hand vaguely.

“I sometimes lose control of myself when the flashbacks come,” the Rani admitted. “I don’t know where I am, or who I’m with, and all I can focus on is whatever flashback my shit brain is putting me through. It’s easier when my partners are here, but they have their own lives to live, and not always with me.”

“We do our best to sort ourselves out, when shit brains decide to be. Well. Shitty.” They mused, and then leaned further into Adam’s chest. “I’m sorry you’re part of the Shit Brain club. If it’s anything helpful, I don’t think- well, anyone deserves it, and you’re part of anyone. So. Did that make sense?”

Adam nodded. Before anyone could say something else, the walls seemed to hum loudly. A panel slid out, and half a dozen cups of tea were sitting on the tray it extended. The Rani patted the wall affectionately and stirred a spoonful of sugar into the cup she picked up. 

“Help yourselves,” she said, gesturing to the tray.

Hartley nodded politely, and took a cup and passed it over to Adam, then took one for themself. They added what’s probably an unhealthy amount of sugar to theirs, and then took a slow sip. Adam somewhat awkwardly just held the cup in his hands, and nods along as Hartley offers him the sugar. “Thanks.” He said quickly, and tried it still awkwardly. He nodded at Hartley, a small smile on his face, and they visibly relaxed again. Diana picked up her cup, didn’t touch any of the sweeteners or anything, and chugged the entire cup of  _ hot tea _ in one gulp. Vae didn’t add anything either, but she sipped at hers normally. Ellie just stirred a bit of milk and sugar into hers and stared at Diana, who just popped a sugar cube into her mouth and went about her business.

“Power move.” Hartley mumbled.

“One should always assert dominance over new company,” Diana said, probably directly quoting her idiot father.

“Fair. I usually just throw people off with the bigger-on-the-inside doorway and the rambling and the random rooms, and then they’re so confused that no one tries to give me shit.”

“Well, Father recommended murder, but Mum vetoed that, so I have to take Dad’s advice and, in his words,  _ be a complete and total fucking lunatic _ ,” she said with a shrug. “One time, I tried to snort a line of sugar as a dominance move, back when I met Torchwood for the first time. Owen said to do salt if I was really a badass. I had a nosebleed for  _ three days _ .”

“Fucking Owen.” Hartley agreed, shaking their head. “I once tried to do parkour to show that I wasn’t an asshole loser, and I broke my leg.”

“Was that with Clem?” Adam guessed, raising an eyebrow.

“Nah, back when I first met Grace. Uhh. Also - where is Clem?”

“Vayu, kindly redirect any other visitors to this room,” the Rani murmured, patting the wall gently. The TARDIS hummed and shifted the walls to bring anyone else to the library.

Down the hall, footsteps echoed, until the short woman sprinted into view. She stared at the tea party with surprise, and then raised an eyebrow, trying to regain an air of cool disinterest. “Got another cup?” The wall hummed again and extended a new panel with more tea. Diana picked up one of the new cups and, just like before, downed it without adding anything.

“You are going to get hurt doing that,” the Rani chided.

“It’s a power move, Mum,” Diana protested.

“No, it’s fine. I appreciate it.” Clem took a seat by Hartley, and grabbed a cup. “Although I still think I’m in charge, but whatever.”

She took a slow, long sip, staring Diana in the eyes. 

“I think I have seniority as the oldest one here,” the Rani commented. Diana just shrugged and ate another sugar cube.

“Finnick Odair much?” Ellie muttered. Diana snorted and almost choked on the sugar.

“I mean, Hartley’s old as fuck but that never means they’re in charge.”

“Clem, I’m a baby compared to the Rani and  _ yes _ , I mean  _ that  _ Rani.”

Clem glanced from Hartley to the Rani, then to her teacup, then back to Hartley. “Universe hop?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeet.” She mumbled, and took another sip. Vae picked up an empty water bottle from Ellie’s desk. 

“This bitch empty,” she muttered. She threw the water bottle at the back of Diana’s head. “YEET!”

“You showed her Vines without me?!” Diana yelled, catching the water bottle with one hand. “We had a  _ deal _ !”

“Not my fault she watched YouTube over my shoulder!” Ellie protested.

Hartley grinned widely. “Vines… are Good.”

“Thanks, for this valuable information.” Clem added dryly. “We never could have guessed.”

“LOOK.” They pointed vaguely at her for several seconds, and then leaned backward, satisfied. 

“I have a really important question, Mum,” Diana said suddenly. She pulled a map of the United States up on her phone, then took on a heavy accent. “So I am confusion. Why is this one Kansas, and this one is not Ar-kansas?”

“America explain! Explain! What do you mean  _ Arkan-saw _ ?!” Ellie chimed in. The Rani looked like she was probably dead inside.

“ANNIE ARE YOU OKAY- ARE YOU OKAY ANNIE!” Adam burst out, uncharacteristically loud.

“I smell like  _ beeeeeeeef _ .” Hartley whispered dramatically.

“Why.” Clem mumbled, and hid back in her tea. 

“I regret giving you three access to the internet on my ship,” the Rani muttered, finishing her tea.

“Well, you couldn’t video chat with Dad and Father without internet,” Diana pointed out. Ellie wiggled her eyebrows.

“That’s a mood.” Adam said, and grinned. “Couldn’t get Spotify on the ship, either. Or Netflix.”

“Dude, we should do another livestream sometime soon.” Hartley said suddenly, tapping his arm. “Sorry, I- thought of Youtube and then, y’know.”

“Don’t worry about it, tiny.”

“Not short, but okay.” The Rani, who was barely scraping 5’4”, wrinkled her nose.

“Being short doesn’t mean I can’t kick someone’s ass.”

“Mum, you haven’t even sparred with anyone since your last visit to Miasimia,” Diana pointed out. 

“You’ll be next if you keep up the attitude,” the Rani warned.

“I’m not short!” Hartley insisted, leaning forward. “I’m 5 foot 6, and besides, just because Adam is 6 foot 5 doesn’t mean everyone shorter than him is  _ short  _ short.”

“But they are,” Vae said, standing up to show that she was 5’8”. “I’m the tallest one of our group, or  _ was _ ‘til you lot showed up.”

Hartley stood up as well. “WHERE’S THE PROOF, OP?? WHERE?? I’M  _ NOT _ SHORT!”

“You’re the same size as me,” Ellie said. “And Her Highness, too.” She pointed to Diana, who was currently trying to pour honey directly into her mouth.

“A true role model to the court, to be sure,” the Rani said dryly.

“Yeah, we’re the Not Short Squad!”

“I’ll be sure to buy you all stilts to prove your point,” the Rani deadpanned.

Hartley stumbled over their words, flustered. “FUCK YOU!”

“I tend to leave that to my spouses, but I appreciate the offer,” she replied calmly.

“SHSD- WH-  _ FUCK! _ ”

“Mum’s favourite activity,” Diana muttered.

They half-sat, half-fell into Adam’s lap from laughing. Clem set her cup down, wheezing. 

“Keep it up, Diana, and I’ll remove you from the line of succession,” the Rani threatened. Diana just scowled and stuck her tongue out.

“With manners like that, it’s hard to believe that you’re royalty,” Vae said. 

“Royalty in your time didn’t even know what a bath was,” Diana pointed out. 

“Do you want to cross swords with me, Princess?” Vae asked.

“Oh, I dare you,” Diana replied, grinning in a way awfully reminiscent of the Master.

“This is a terrible family, you’re amazing.” Hartley looked up from where they’d buried their head in their arms, their cheeks still red as hell.

“I’m guessing you’re from the past?” Clem said, pointing at Vae.

“Born in the year 1440, yes,” Vae confirmed.

“Nice. Adam and I are both a little more contemporary.”

“That’s subjective.” Hartley reminded her, a teasing grin plastered on their face.

“Fuck you.”

“Kinky,” Diana muttered.

“Let’s not go through that routine again, once a day was enough.”

“Clem’s from 2020ish, I’m a 2025 boy.” Adam offered. 

“A baby!” Ellie joked in a near-perfect impression of Wonder Woman. “I was born in 1992.”

“Er… I was conceived not long after the 19th century or so… not a damn clue where that falls specifically,” Diana said with a shrug. “I’m 643, though. Mum and the Dads are somewhere around 2,000, give or take a century.”

“Oh, sorry, I meant those are the years when we met Hartley. I was born 1996, and Clem, you’re, what, 2001?”

“2003.” Hartley corrected. “And I’m only like, 106 or something. I’m too lazy to keep too much track.”

“I met the Rani in late 2017,” Ellie said. “A dinosaur was loose in a museum while I was there with my class.”

“The Rani, Eleana, and the Master visited in the year 1463 and stopped my execution for murder,” Vae said. “The Master killed the executioner because he liked my fire. I could not stay there and risk another execution attempt, and so I live here now.”

“I was a parasite for, like, a year,” Diana joked.

“Aliens started fucking with my job. Hartley blew up the place.” Clem said, shrugging.

“LOOK, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.” They whined, turning red. “I don’t. Generally blow stuff up.”

“Generally.” Adam echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Generally.”

“I got mind-controlled by a bunch of aliens, and they were using me as a battery for their ship.” Adam explained. “And given your track record, I’m surprised you didn’t blow up their ship as well.”

“I mean…” They ducked their head. “Without their battery, they probably checked the wiring to see if they could do anything else, and given that they aren’t the brightest crew on that ship… it probably blew up, yes.”

“Vae’s the only one who lives here full time,” Ellie said. “Di travels, and I  _ would _ live here outside of work, but I use the library for grading, and…” She turned bright red. “I came in one day to find out that the polys’ cuddling session had turned into sex. I had to get a new desk after that. It kind of put me off whenever I went to grade after that.”

“Knocking is a useful thing,” the Rani replied, unfazed. “I did tell you that we might be a little while in the library that day.”

“You  _ planned _ that?!” Ellie asked.

“Not  _ planned _ so much as  _ expected _ ,” the Rani said with a shrug.

“Bedrooms exist!” 

“Look, when you’ve got two extremely attractive partners, sometimes you don’t make it to the bedroom.”

“Can we change the subject?” Diana asked. “I keep having flashbacks to seeing you and Father on his desk on the  _ Valiant _ .”

“That’s… hmm.”

Hartley’s cheeks were bright red again, and they frowned. “I mean? Like? Not- not shaming or anything-“ They stuttered quickly, “but- like- rip, I guess. I’m. Shutting up now.”

“Am I the only one of our group who has never walked in on the Rani?” Vae asked.

“Count yourself lucky,” Ellie muttered. “She’s  _ ridiculous _ .”

“And she’s also right here, Eleana,” the Rani said.

There’s an awkward silence from the intruders. Somehow, they’ve all managed to have an identical expression - something akin to Tumblr cat memes. Like knife cat. But humans. Or, two humans and a recent eldritch abomination. After a few beats of silence, Ellie got a shit eating grin. 

“Alexa?” There was an affirmative chime from the AI that she’d smuggled onto the TARDIS. “Unleash the Roombas.” With a loud whirring, two dozen circular robots slowly emerged from beneath the couch, with one seemingly leading them. 

“Is… is that my knife, taped to the droid?” Vae asked, pointing to the knife taped to the lead Roomba. 

“His name is Stabby,” Ellie answered. “Stabby the Doomba.”

“Doomba?” Hartley repeated, laughing and petting the one that started wandering towards them.

“The Roomba of Doom,” Ellie explained. 

“How did you even get those onto my TARDIS?” the Rani asked.

“Uhhh… I have resources…” Ellie answered vaguely, knowing full well that Diana had helped her.

Hartley snorted, standing up as the Roomba intently mowed over where their legs had been. “We should do this.”

“NO.” Clem said quickly, staring them down. “Do you know how many Roombas that is?”

“A good amount, is the answer.” Diana walked over to Hartley.

“I can get you a few,” she whispered.

They slipped her a business card with a phone number printed on it. “Later, when Clem isn’t here to veto it.” They whispered back, still smiling broadly. 

“I can still hear you.” Clem rolled her eyes.

“Shhhh, no you can’t.” Diana winked and pocketed the business card. 

“Dianadvoreliar, what did I say about smuggling?” the Rani asked.

“Not to do it when Dad could find out,” Diana replied. The Rani pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily.

Hartley giggled, and Adam grinned at them. “Good strategy. Not technically wrong.” He grabbed Hartley’s hand and stood as well, to let a Roomba pass him. 

“I’m half expecting the Doctor to walk through that door,” Ellie muttered, stifling a laugh.

Hartley’s head popped up, whipping around, startled. They were blushing as they turned back, fidgeting. “I, uh. Missed the part where you didn’t mean they were walking through. Sorry.”

“Knock knock!” the Doctor called from down the hall. The Rani buried her face in her hands. 


	3. Meeting the Doctor

“Did you text them?” the Rani asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Yeah, I might’ve,” Diana replied with another shit-eating grin. The Doctor, in their tenth face, walked in with their hands in their pockets.

“I didn’t realise you were having a party,” they joked. “Bad time?”

Hartley stared at them for a few moments, and then turned red. Without a word ( _uncharacteristic, concerning_ , Adam thought), they ran back down the halls and out of sight. “Hart!” Clem yelled after them, and ran off as well.

“Was it something I said?” the Doctor asked, puzzled.

“They’re a big fan of yours,” Diana said.

“Look- I- it’s a long story. Just give us a second.” Adam said, and jogged after the two.

It took him a few minutes to find his partners, but not long enough for him to start panicking. Hartley was curled into the corner, shaking their head anxiously. Clem had a hand on their shoulder, trying to calm them down.

“Hart, they’re the Doctor, I’m pretty sure they can take finding out we thought they were fictional.”

“Yeah, but- like- it’s- its weird! How would you feel if I waltzed into your life and said you were fictional?”

“I’d get over it. We’re all fictional to some other universe, didn’t you teach me that?”

“Well, yeah, but- I-” They shook their head again. “I don’t want to tell them. Cause that’s terrifying. And I don’t know how they’d respond.”

Adam pulled the two of them into a hug.

 

“I can’t help but think I did something wrong,” the Doctor commented, looking at the Rani.

“I mean, you can never arrive on time anywhere,” the Rani teased.

“And you keep fucking up trying to stop Father’s ‘evil plans’,” Diana added.

“Okay, look,” they protested. “I’m never meant to stop them because they’re not actually evil plans!”

“Excuses, excuses,” Diana said.

“I’m going to dropkick you into a black hole,” the Doctor warned.

“Try me, old man,” Diana shot back. “Or should I call you Papercut?”

“Stop spending so much time with Donna,” they grumbled.

“Nah, she’s a riot,” she replied.

 

“Hey, Hart, it’s gonna be okay.” Adam mumbled softly. “Like Clem said, they’re the Doctor. They can handle it. It’s probably happened to Eight sometime.” He joked weakly, making Hart give a small snort.

He started to pet their hair, and they nestled closer to him. Clem rolled her eyes, and mumbled, “Nerds.”

“Yeah, I know it’s fine.” Hartley sighed, and stood up again, breaking off the hug. “It’s just the normal anxiety. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Clem said, standing as well. “We get it. It’s fine.”

“We should, like, actually tell them why I ran off, huh.” They frowned.

“Mayhaps.” Adam returned with a dry grin.

“Are you lot coming back, or what?” Diana called.

Hartley took a deep breath, and straightened their shirt out. “YEAH!” They yelled back, and started back down the halls. The Doctor was sitting down by now, heavily debating whether it was worth throwing Diana into a black hole. Hartley shoved their hands deep into their pockets. “Hi.” They said, voice cracking heavily. “I. Uhh. My name’s Hartley, and I use they/them pronouns.”

Awkwardly, they gave a little wave.

“Hello!” the Doctor said cheerfully. “I’m the Doctor. I vary between he/him and they/them, but this face, I prefer they/them.”

Hartley nodded, in that same way they always did when unsure of what else to say. “Uhh, this is Adam, he/him, and Clem, she/her.” They gestured to their partners, and then took a deeper breath.

“Uhhhh… I’m sorry for- running off. I- we- hnrg.” They wrung their hands together, and closed their eyes, taking another deep breath. “We’re from… a different universe. One where you - and all your lives - are part of a fictional story called _Doctor Who_. Uh…” They nodded awkwardly again. “Yeah.”

“Well, that’s flattering,” the Doctor commented. “I wonder if my spouses get featured in that.”

“I mean, who are they? I- I can’t tell you if I don’t… know…”

“They’re kinda a huge fan.” Clem said, squeezing their arm reassuringly. “It’s-”

Hartley shushed her, turning redder.

“My spouses are the Master and the Rani,” the Doctor explained. “We’ve been married since we still lived on Gallifrey.”

“And before you ask, no, we’re not enemies of any sort,” the Rani added. “That whole thing about the Master being the evil ruler of the universe and me being an amoral sociopath is part of a game we play to entertain ourselves.”

“You are a bit of an amoral sociopath,” the Doctor pointed out.

“Yes, but I exaggerate it for the game,” she reminded him.

Hartley nodded. “Yes, they both show up. Uhh, the Master appears a lot, but the Rani doesn’t show up as much in the TV show, but I hear she’s got a bit more content in the books and audios.”

“Cowards,” the Rani deadpanned.

“Ushas, you can’t call them cowards for not including you,” the Doctor pointed out. “You barely even participate in the game anymore.”

“They’re cowards because Hartley didn’t know we were married, so whoever made that show is the coward for not knowing.”

“That’s not- that’s not how it works!”

Hartley gave a small laugh, and Adam noticed that they were starting to relax, ever so slightly. Their eyes crinkled, and they started to hide in their shirt collar. “I- I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna say anything cause I figured- y’know. It would be weird. To have someone walk into your home and say that you’re fictional to certain universes.”

“Maybe we should visit your universe,” the Rani suggested. “Freak a few thousand people out, since we’re supposedly fictional.”

“That’s gotta be illegal,” Ellie said.

“Who’s gonna stop us?” the Rani asked. “The last of the Time Lords are right here, save for the Master. We _are_ the law now.”

Hartley laughed. “I mean, I’m sure you could, but like, considering how thrown off I got from the extra and different sensory stuff, I think that might be. Y’know. A concern.”

Adam nodded, and added, “Also, Doctor, this face of yours is one of the most well-known in the 21st century, so you’d… probably attract a lot of attention.”

“At least the people have taste,” the Doctor joked. “I’m down if you all are.”

“Count me in,” Diana said. “But we should bring Father along!”

“A day out with the Prime Minister, who just so happens to be a mildly homicidal alien in a polyamorous relationship with other aliens?” Ellie asked. “Count me in.”

“Where Ellie goes, I follow,” Vae agreed.

“On the bright side, the Master won’t be recognized as the Prime Minister!” Hartley grinned. “If you’re serious about this, let’s do it.” They spun in a circle a few times, and then pointed directly to a wall. “My ship’s over this way.”

Clem rolled her eyes, and started down the actual path. The Rani sent a quick message through the mental link she shared with her spouses, and with a soft _whoosh_ , the Master appeared next to her, a vortex manipulator at his wrist.

“Hello, loyal subjects,” he said dramatically.

Clem, almost around the corner, gave him a two-fingered salute. Hartley grinned, bouncing slightly on their feet again. “Hello, nerd. How much do you know of this situation and are you opposed to field trips?”

“Everything Ushas knows, I know, and I’m definitely up for this,” the Master answered.

“Allons-y!” the Doctor shouted, running down the corridor.

“Other way,” the Rani deadpanned.

“I knew that!” they yelled, immediately going the _correct_ way.

Hartley laughed, and started off as well, grabbing Adam’s hand and dragging him along as well. He squeezed their hand in return, and they beamed. “I’m doing better.” They reassure. “I wonder if their socks are gonna be yeeted off or if it’s still just gonna be another _you know_.”

They gave him a pointed look, and he laughed. “Probably a little bit of both.” The rest of the Rani’s team made their way to Hartley’s ship, making bets as to what they’d see in the new universe.


	4. A New Universe

As soon as they left the actual doors of the Rani’s ship, Hartley ran towards a plain door on the wall across from where the Rani’s TARDIS was resting. They grinned wider, and turned a lock. “So.” They turned back to the group. “Who wants the honors?”

“Dibs!” Diana shouted.

“Okie dokie!” They stepped aside, and motioned to the door like an overdramatic carnie. Diana stepped inside, giddy to experience something new.

As soon as she stepped through, from Adam and everyone else’s point of view, she disappeared. With a grin, Hartley yelled into the doorway, “HIT THE OTHER BUTTON IN THERE. WE LEAVE THE AIRLOCK CLOSED, JUST IN CASE.” Diana did as she was told, much to everyone else’s confusion.

Hartley motioned for everyone else to file through, and slipped in first. Running to the series of computer panels, they struck a dramatic and hopefully commanding pose. “Welcome to my crib.”

The walls hummed in a startlingly accurate mimicry of the Doctor’s TARDIS, making Hartley grin at the ship. “Slightly alive, slightly psychic, very kind. Anyways. Hell yeah! It’s a  _ ship _ .”

They clapped their hands together, snapping their fingers as well. Adam and Clem moved to stand by them. 

“I’m impressed,” the Doctor remarked, grinning. “Even sounds like a TARDIS.”

“One in proper working order, unlike your pile of junk,” the Master teased. 

“Say that next time you visit, and she’ll make sure all your showers are cold,” the Doctor warned.

Hartley laughed, and patted their ship’s console. “Anyways. Where- do you wanna go somewhere specific? And would you be opposed to meeting my little cousin?”

“I’ve got nothing against it,” the Rani said. “And I don’t have a specific place in mind, either.”

Hartley nodded quickly, bouncing around the room in hyperactivity. “Clem, Adam, ideas?”

“I mean, shitpost idea: Disneyland.” Clem offered. “But that’s really public ‘n such.”

“Boise, Idaho. Nice and quiet.” Adam shrugged.

Hartley cackled, and bounced back to the main computer bank. “Boise, Idaho, 2018?”

“As quiet a time as any.”

Their fingers moved quickly, practically punching the keys as opposed to tapping. There was the familiar pre-programmed  _ whirrr _ of the TARDIS’s flight, and then a  _ bing _ as they landed. Hartley grinned sheepishly, and opened up the airlock doors again.

“I love you, but if you say  _ allons-y _ every time we go somewhere, I’ll tape your mouth shut,” the Master warned, looking over at the Doctor. The Doctor started laughing as the Rani elbowed the Master in the side.

“Behave, you two,” she warned. “ _ Or else _ .”

“SHIT, REESE!” Hartley yelled.

Closing the airlock doors again, they reprogrammed the flight again. “I specifically brought them up, and all it takes is 2 seconds and I fucking forget - again. JESUS  _ CHRIST _ , I’m on a roll today.”

The recorded noises played again, and they burst out the doors. “REESE. INSIDE. AND DON’T BE TOO SURPRISED.”

The curly-haired teenager came into view, and their jaw dropped. “HOLY SHIT!”

“Eloquent,” Diana deadpanned.

“Precisely my thoughts on the matter,” the Master said, snorting.

“I swear by Pandak’s bones, if you two don’t behave…” the Rani muttered. 

“I know, I know. I’ll be on the couch for a month, and Diana’ll be on house arrest,” he replied. “Or should it be called TARDIS arrest?”

“Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, shut the fuck up.” Reese said, waving their hands awkwardly to try and slow everything down. “Hart???”

“Universe hopping-  _ yes, _ this is exactly what you think it is.”

They ran their fingers through their hair slowly, making them look even more reminiscent of the Fourth Doctor than average. “Holy fuck.” They mumbled. “Hot damn.”

Hartley laughs. “Y’all, this is Reese, my cousin…” They trailed off, looking for Reese’s input. 

“Uhh, he/him today.” He said, not blinking. “This is wild.”

“Ellie Fischer. She/her.”

“Vae Renliss. Same as Ellie.”

“Diana. Just Diana. Also she/her.”

“The Doctor. Sometimes he/him, but this face prefers they/them.”

“The Master, ruler of every universe. He/him.”

“Ignore my idiot husband. The Rani, she/her.”

Reese bounced on the balls of his heels. “Damn. Hart, I love you.”

“Love you too, nerd.” Hartley ruffled his hair, and then bounced back to the computer bank. “Okie dokie, let’s try that again. Boise! Idaho! 2018!”

The normal landing procedure occurred. The airlock opened. Hartley went flying out, grinning as they took in the area. “OH WAIT. Reese, you remember Adam, right? Adam Ridley, he/him.” They pointed to Adam, who gave an awkward wave.

“Yep, and Clem too. Hi, gays.” Unsure of what to say, the Doctor and the Master started bickering over their mental link. The Rani sighed and walked over between them, standing on her tiptoes and smacking them both upside the head. Diana imitated the sound of a whip cracking under her breath, and was grateful when the Rani didn’t notice. Clem cackled, and started outside. “We going outside or are we gonna sit around and be gay in the equivalent of Hartley’s office?”

“Gays in space,” Ellie joked.

Outside, Hartley was innocently perched on a stone in a park, breathing in the air deeply. “Nice to be back in a universe that makes sense, sensory wise. Noah fence.” They added, craning their head back to look at the visitors.

“Could be worse,” the Doctor said. “You could’ve ended up on Gallifrey.”

“Even worse, ended up there while we were still kids,” the Master added. 

“Nobody wants to see your eight-year-old self with a bowl cut, Koschei,” the Rani said. 

“Hey, I let it grow out!” he protested. 

Reese grinned mischievously. “Yeah, well, Hart’s ship is a great deal more reliable than your TARDISes. They don’t go to places they don’t mean to.”

“Uhhh…” Clem laughed, shaking her head. “They have a random coordinates button that they like using.”

“And I do mis-type a lot.” Hart nodded. “So we could have ended up on Gallifrey, if Gallifrey existed in this ‘verse.” A look entered their eyes, a look that very clearly said  _ I should check that out sometime. _ Pulling a pen out of their pocket, they wrote that down on their arm, and then leaned back fully again.

“Ten zero eleven zero zero by zero two,” Diana whispered to them. “That’s the coordinates.” 

Hart held their arm out again. “Write that down? I can’t remember shit for shit.” Diana nodded and scribbled out  _ 10-0-11-00:02 _ on their arm. 

“Thanks.” They whispered. “ANYWAYS!” They shot up, grinning and rubbing their hands together. “Boise’s a quiet place, hopefully it’ll give you a chance to, like, not get overwhelmed by weird sensory shit and have a panic attack like people that I don’t know.”

Despite the Master’s warning glare, the Doctor grinned and shouted, “Well then!  _ Allons-y _ !” 

“Sometimes I wish I actually intended to push you off that radio tower,” the Master muttered. 

“Oh, no you don’t,” they said dismissively. “You’d be lost without me, and you know it.”

Hartley and Reese shared a dorky grin, and then Hartley grabbed their partner’s hands and started down the street. “So. I actually don’t know what’s in Boise, do y’all have anywhere you wanna go?”

“I mean.” Reese shrugged. “There’s a Melting Pot. That’s fun. But expensive. But fun.”

“I’ve got money,” Diana pointed out. “I try to keep currency for all major civilisations handy, unlike  _ some  _ people.” She shot a pointed look at the Doctor, who simply shrugged. Diana rolled her eyes and handed Hartley a few hundred-dollar bills.

“I mean, same, but is- is this a yes?”

“Hell yeah,” Diana replied with a grin. 

“Why do you even have so much money?” the Doctor asked.

“Because I’m effectively the princess of Father’s criminal empire, and if I want something, people can and will bend over backwards to get it for me?” she answered, shrugging.

“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack there, so let’s just throw out the whole suitcase, yeah?” Ellie suggested. “Least til we get home?” 

“I suppose so,” the Rani said, biting her tongue sharply. The Master went a bit pale, no doubt being shouted at over the link. 

Hartley grinned, and started looking around. “ADAM, I NEED LIKE AN EXTRA 3 FEET!”

“Hart. You aren’t gonna be able to look over the buildings with another 3 feet of height.” He commented dryly, looking down at them.

“Yeah, but it would be  _ nice _ .”

He rolled his eyes, and pulled out his phone. After a hot second of searching, he pointed to his right. “Melting Pot’s that way.”

Bending over, he let Hartley jump on his back and started walking. The rest of the group followed them, with the Master flinching every so often. Clearly, the Rani was still going. Not wanting to make that the entirety of their trip, the Doctor walked up behind the Rani, then picked her up and tossed her over their shoulder. She let out an extremely undignified yelp, shouting something in Gallifreyan that had Diana snorting. 

Hartley ruffled Adam’s short hair as they walked, and mumbled something under their breath to him. He nodded, and squeezed their arm. Clem looked back at the Rani, and grinned. “This is why you learn parkour. I’ve gotten good at avoiding hugs.”

“It’s not the hugs that bother me,” the Rani said, pounding her fist against the Doctor’s back halfheartedly. “It’s being carried around like this. I am a  _ queen _ , and I’m being carried like a  _ child _ .”

“Then learn to behave,” the Doctor deadpanned. The Rani muttered something else in Gallifreyan.

“Child ears present,” the Master chided, falling silent when she picked her head up to glare at him.

“ _ What _ child, huh? What child, vore man?” Reese asked, folding his arms defensively. (Reese was easily the youngest, only being about 18.) 

“Technically, all of you,” Diana said. “Seeing as I’m 643.”

“And technically, Vae is around 700, seeing as she was born in the 1400s and then taken in by the Rani. She’s physically only in her 20s though,” Ellie added. “I’m the youngest of our normal group, and I’m in my 20s too.”

Reese grumbled, tightening the folding of his arms. “I don’t think age works like that for this conversation.”

“Uh huh, and how old are you, darling little Reesey-boy?” Hartley teased, gently nudging Reese in the ribs with their foot. 

“Hush the fuck up, tiny.”

“I’m taller than you.” 


	5. A Family Dinner

The group reached the Melting Pot a lot faster than expected. Hartley jumped down from Adam’s shoulders, and both Clem and Hart took Adam’s hands. A small grin crossed his face, and he squeezed their hands. Taking the debit card from the Master and slipping it into her pocket, the Rani walked up to the hostess. 

“Three adults and…” she paused, looking behind her. “God, I do have a lot of children nowadays, huh? Seven, I think. So, table for ten, please.”

Behind her, both Hartley and Reese choked on the air. Amidst their coughing, Clem leaned forward and asked, “I’m sorry, did you call us your kids?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I did,” the Rani replied. 

Clem stared at her for a bit, then blinked in surprise. “Cool.” She said, leaning back awkwardly and almost stumbling into Adam, who was in the process of making sure Reese and Hartley weren’t dying. 

The hostess gave the group a mildly concerned look. The Master, clearly falling a little  _ too _ well into the human role, slipped one of his hands into the Rani’s back pocket as he laced the fingers of his other hand through the Doctor’s. Adam, grinning awkwardly, started, “So… I’m sorry, uh, can we get out of the doorway? And like. Not let these two die from crying?” 

“No.” Hartley choked. “We’re fine. Don’t- don’t worry about it.”

They and Reese both appeared to have moved out of the surprise-choking phase and into the openly-crying phase. 

“Do you two need a moment?” the Rani asked, turning to face them. Her voice was a bit softer than normal.

“Mayhaps.” Reese said, swiping at his eyes. The Rani laughed and gently pulled away from the Master to hug them both.

The two started crying harder. Both clung to the back of her shirt, awkwardly trying to not make a scene but also unable to stop. Clem started rubbing Hartley’s back awkwardly. 

“So, does this mean I’m not the baby of the family anymore?” Diana asked, already planning on getting them all matching t-shirts declaring them to be the babies of the family.

Reese gave a watery laugh, and let go of the Rani to try and compose himself. “Aren’t we still standing in the lobby?” While they’d been hugging, the Master had managed to distract the hostess, who was now getting their table ready. He turned and waved to the rest of the group with a shit-eating grin that probably meant he’d hypnotised the hostess. 

“Goodie.” Hartley mumbled, also letting go of the Rani sheepishly. “Uhhh…” They waved their hands vaguely. “Sorry.”

Blushing, they grabbed Reese and Clem’s hands and speed-walked away, keeping their head down. The Rani decided to make a silent note to have a discussion with her TARDIS later. 

“Mum, don’t just stand there,” Diana chided. “C’mon, let’s eat.” The Rani laughed and followed the group to the table, listening to the Doctor claiming to have a degree in cheesemaking.

“So.” Adam said, as softly and smoothly as he could to the Trans Kids Squad. “Three parents, huh?” 

Hartley snorted, still keeping their head down. “Add them to my collection.”

“So, lemme get this straight,” Diana said, looking at them with a grin. “My parents use the aliases Harold, Regina, and John Saxon, making me Diana Saxon. So… that makes you guys Hartley, Reese, Adam, and Clem Saxon.” She glanced at her mother briefly. “Ten quid says she’s already making up the adoption papers in her head and having her ship print them out.”

“Make it twenty, and you’re on,” Ellie said. “She’s not gonna rush headfirst into this, she’s the  _ Rani _ .”

“And? She’s also rushed into most things unprepared,” Diana pointed out. “When she married Dad and Father, they’d only just graduated the Academy, like, a week earlier.”

“So?” Ellie asked. “Plenty of people get married young.”

“Mum was pregnant with my older siblings within three months of the wedding,” Diana replied. 

“I keep forgetting that there’s more of you,” Vae said, wrinkling her nose. “Are your siblings as… sappy? Is that the word?” Ellie nodded, so Vae continued. “...as sappy as your parents?”

“My brother is,” Diana agreed. “He and his boyfriend are ridiculously sappy. My sister, though, she and her girlfriend normally keep the PDA to a minimum.”

Reese signed, “Siblings?” to Hartley, who signed back, “Ianto Jones and Romana.”

Reese nodded, and then paused. “What?” They whispered in surprise.

“Oh, were you not there for- oh, yeah,” Diana realised. “Yeah, my mum had twins before me.  _ Long _ before me. I wasn’t born til Dad was in his sixth face. I think he used he/him then. Mostly. And Father had a stolen body, and Mum was in her fourth body. But yeah, I have twin older siblings. Ianto is my brother, and Romana is my sister. Yan took ‘Jones’ as a last name because of an old friend of Dad’s, Jo Jones. She used to be Jo Grant, but she got married. Mana decided not to use a surname, though, ‘cept for when Mum’s aunt died and Mana inherited what was left of her old House.”

“They weren’t in the same House?” Ellie asked, having been told a bit about Gallifreyan society before. 

“I mean, they both started in Arpexia, even though Mum’s half-brother was a Stillhaven,” Diana explained. “Her mum liked the look of a Stillhaven, so he helped Loom Mum, then went back to his own family. But anyway, Grandmum was the heiress of two Houses, so her two kids each inherited one. Mum got Arpexia, and her sister got Heartshaven. Heartshaven’s the one Romana inherited, and Ianto is set to inherit Arpexia. Technically has, since Mum’s exiled, but she’s not dead yet.”

“Oh, valid.” Reese nodded. “That’s, uhh. That’s kinda wild, taking season 16 into account.”

“I KNOW!” Hartley gasped, bouncing in their seat.

“Who was in season 16?” Diana asked. She was still new to this whole idea of her parents being on a TV show. 

“Oh, uhh, it’s the Doctor and Romana’s key to time thing.” Hart answered, playing with their fingers awkwardly.

“Oh, you mean  _ The Black Guardian is a Cunt and Here’s Why, an Essay by Romanadvoratrelundar _ !” Diana said, laughing.

“Watch your language, young lady,” the Rani chided, looking over briefly before returning to her conversation with her spouses. 

“Sorry, Mother,” Diana replied in a perfect impression of Shuri from  _ Black Panther _ . Ellie snorted, nearly choking on her soda.

Clem cackled. “Glad to know we’re not the only disaster nerds here.”


	6. A Disaster

A little while later, after the Master had paid for dinner with his Harold Saxon debit card, the group decided to go for a walk, with the Doctor doing absolutely nothing to hide the fact that they were an alien. The Rani, Diana, and the Master were at least subtle, but the Doctor? They kept rambling to their newfound children about different alien civilisations they’d visited over the years, some of which had apparently featured in the TV show. Hartley was thrilled as fuck to discover that they had both visited certain worlds, and they and their squad were able to keep up with certain parts of the conversation (mostly Hartley and Reese, but Adam was proud to say that he kept up with a lot of what was discussed.)

“Have you been to Metebilis III yet?” the Doctor asked, walking backwards with their hands in their pockets. “I loved those visits. They were a lot of fun. Lot of running, too…” 

“Haven’t found it yet.” Hartley bounced as they walked, even more than usual. “But I think I’m getting closer. There’s a chance that it won’t be in the same location as your universe - y’know, everything changes, but like. Crossin’ my fingers and all that.”

“Thete, didn’t you die around the last time you visited Metebilis III?” the Rani asked, furrowing her brow.

“Er… yeah… I might’ve…” they replied sheepishly. “I’ve gone a few times since I died, though.”

“That was the time you refused to join him, wasn’t it?” the Master asked, partially referring to the fact that the Doctor’s third face used he/him pronouns. 

“There were  _ spiders _ ,” the Rani replied simply. “I don’t do spiders.”

“So you play with giant rats, but not spiders?” he teased.

“Do you want to sleep alone tonight?” she warned.

“Listen, spiders are freaky as fuck.” Hartley shrugs. “Like, I love that era of  _ Who _ , partially because the special effects are so terrible, but the whole things with spiders is bad enough that I don’t generally watch that serial. Er, adventure. Thingy. Y’know.”

“I’ve been afraid of spiders since I was a child,” the Rani admitted. “Wasn’t really a problem til I left Gallifrey.” 

“Valid and same. Can’t explain why, they’re just… hhhhh.”

Hartley shivered. The Rani murmured assent, and they lapsed into comfortable silence as the Master started absentmindedly drumming his fingers against his thigh. Reese started humming one of the themes from the TV show, Hartley joining in after a few beats. Diana managed to pick up on the beat of it after a few measures, and then she joined in as well.

“What’s that from?” the Doctor asked.

“Ahhhh… heh heh heh…” Hartley pulled on their hair awkwardly. “It’s from… the series of  _ Doctor Who _ … where this regen of the Master gets introduced…”

“Vote Saxon!” Diana chirped, grinning. “We’re not gonna do anything bad,  _ promise _ !” The last line, of course, she’d added as a joke when she’d offered to help her father with his campaign, but it stayed as a running joke. 

“This country is sick,” he deadpanned. “This country needs healing. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that what this country needs, right now, is a  _ Doctor _ .” The Doctor started laughing, remembering full well when the Master had actually said that on live TV. 

Reese grinned. “God, that was the first time… God. Just- God.”

“I can be a god, if you like,” the Master joked.

“Yeah, same.” Clem grinned. “To both those comments.”

Reese laughed, and rolled his eyes. “You’re a lot less intimidating. Being honest. I think I had nightmares for a few weeks after watching that for the first time.”

“I play the intimidating villain, sure, but I’m not usually like that,” the Master said. 

“Nah, you’re just a big softie,” the Doctor said, grinning. The Master just laughed and grabbed them by their jacket, kissing them. Diana grimaced and made a fake gagging noise. 

“Okay, yeah, that’s it, all intimidation’s gone out the window.” Reese grinned wider, awkwardly and pointed looking away. 

From behind them, a squeal came. A person none of them had ever seen in their respective lives came running up straight to the Doctor and the Master, and giggled. “YOU TWO ARE SO CUTE CAN I GET A PHOTO OF YOU KISSING AGAIN ??1??11??1” (Don’t ask how this person added the ones. There are certain mysteries in this universe that should never be answered.)

“Who the hell are you?” the Master snapped, one hand reaching into his pocket.  _ Now _ he seemed much more intimidating. Beside him, the Rani let out a low noise similar to a growl, going for her pocket before Diana grabbed her arm. Almost immediately, Reese, Hartley, and Adam started tensing, with Clem moving quietly between them and everything Else that was happening.

“I’M A HUGE FAN, I SHIP YOU TWO SOOOOOO MUCH!!!1!1”

“And you think I give a shit?” the Master asked, his eyes darkening. “Really? What in the hell makes you think I give a damn about the opinion of one insignificant human?”

“Master…” the Doctor muttered, trying to avoid their spouses actually killing someone.

Somewhere in the background, Clem was ushering the new kids away from the situation, letting all three cling  to her shirt awkwardly. The stranger, who will henceforth be named “ones-for-punctuation”, also started to seem thrown off. “Hey, that’s pretty rude. I’m feeling threatened.”

“That’s rather the point,” the Rani said coolly, one hand on the gun in her pocket. “As for rudeness, weren’t you the one who just butted into the personal lives of at least three beings who you have no business interacting with?”

“I… thought you were cosplayers…” 

“No. We aren’t,” the Rani replied. “Evidently, you humans are under the impression that you’re the only mildly intelligent life in existence, when in actuality, all those ‘characters’ are real.”

“Even if we  _ were _ fakes, does that even give you the right to butt in like that?” the Doctor asked, hoping to defuse the situation before the Rani fired.

“I mean, cosplayers do get used to it. Sorry, dudes!”

And with that, ones-for-punctuation fucking sprinted the fuck out of there. The Master grimaced and turned back to his spouses. “Shall we go pick up the kids and get the hell out of here?”

“Definitely,” the Rani agreed, taking a few deep breaths. The six of them exchanged glances, mostly because Vae was still trying to grab a knife and chase the “fan”, even though Ellie was trying to stop her. “Let’s go, girls,” she said firmly.

“Yes, Rani,” Vae muttered, disappointed. They took off walking to Hartley’s ship, sighing and muttering about ridiculous humans.


	7. It's a Trauma-Off

By the time the others reentered the ship, Hartley was barely visible around the corner, and Reese and Adam weren’t visible at all. Clem was seated in a chair, running fingers through her hair. She shot a glare at the Master and the Rani, then stood up. “They freak out when people get angry. It’s my responsibility to get them out and keep them safe.”

“I’m sorry,” the Master said, and meant it.

“I am too,” the Rani agreed. “We try to keep it under wraps, but when people butt in like that…” 

“We’ve dealt enough with people who couldn’t mind their business, and it’s something we’re working on,” the Master finished. “Thete doesn’t like it either.”

“Quite frankly, join the club.” Clem said, and sighed. “Look. I’m not gonna hate you or anything, because I know I’ve freaked Hartley and Adam way too many times than I’m proud of. But please just- understand if they’re all kinda wary moving forward.” They both nodded, sitting down with a sigh. 

“Well, that went well,” the Doctor deadpanned. Diana snorted.

Clem rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna check on Adam and Reese, make sure they’re both okay. Don’t touch any buttons. I don’t know what a lot of them do.”

As soon as she rounded the corner, Hartley’s legs twitched. After a few minutes of silent conversation, Hartley scooted back into the room, staying seated in the doorway. Taking out one of their earbuds, they said, “Uhh. Sorry. Hell brain doesn’t, uhh, like angry-stressed-frustrated-any-or-all-of-the-above people.”

“We’re the ones who should be apologising,” the Rani said, keeping her voice low. “Koschei and I are a little too quick-tempered, and I apologise that you had to see that.”

“I don’t usually do that,” the Master said. “Not anymore, at least. So, I apologise as well.”

“I- it’s fine, it’s mostly hell brain talking. I’m- I’m still sorry. That you got ambushed like that.”

“It’s fine, Hartley, really,” the Rani assured them. “You don’t need to apologise for a situation out of your control.”

“Maybe so. Will that stop me? Never.”

“You sound like the Doctor,” the Master joked, though he was exactly right.

Hart grinned weakly, and looked away from them. “Wow, can’t imagine why.”

Behind them, Clem returned to the room. Their head whipped around, and she crouched near them, pointedly avoiding looking at their face. “They’re both okay, they’re chilling in their rooms. Adam’s got his music on, and Reese is getting his noise-cancelling headphones on.”

“Thanks.” They mumbled.

She nodded, and sat down. “How are you doing?” She asked, looking the others in the eyes. “No… sensory shit? Need headphones or something?”

“I could make some tea or cocoa or something,” the Rani offered. “I used to do that for Ianto and Romana when they were younger and still lived with me. They both have some sensory issues too, though it didn’t flare up too much on Gallifrey.”

“Because nothing ever happens on Gallifrey,” the Master muttered.

Hartley grinned. “Sure, that wouldn’t be terrible. Clem, would you-“

“Yeah, I’ll go tell them. You gonna be okay?”

“When aren’t I?” 

They stood up, and motioned for the others to follow them. “Kitchen’s this way.” The Rani nodded and followed them, the Master trailing behind her to avoid Clem glaring at him again. He was oddly reminded of his Academy days. Hartley moved around the kitchen like it was a dance, some kind of waltz with their electric mixer and oven and tea kettle. They mumbled to themself throughout, occasionally directing questions to either the ship itself or the kitchenware. 

“So. Got anything you wanna talk about?” They asked, turning their head to look in the general direction of the others.

“I mean, I have embarrassing childhood stories about the Doctor,” the Rani said, laughing as she remembered a couple of them.

“Do tell.” They hopped up on the counter, and pulled out a silver pen-looking item and started playing with it.

“Well, one time, we skipped class. Well, the three of us did. Theta decided to take a nap in a tree about a kilometre from the Academy, so naturally Koschei and I were playing chess under the tree.” The Rani paused for a second, laughing. “At some point, apparently, Thete had a nightmare. He startled himself awake, jolted, and fell out of the tree on his face. Miraculously, he was completely unhurt, but he  _ did _ have to explain to our professor why he was coming back inside with grass stains all over his front.” 

Hartley laughed, eyes crinkling and flashing to the Rani for half a moment before flicking back around the room.

“Oh, and another time, we decided to push the beds together in our dorm,” the Master started, grinning. “We had a three-person dorm, but we all like to cuddle at night, so we spent four hours rearranging the whole room to push our tiny beds together to make one big bed.  _ Somehow _ , and don’t ask me how, because I still don’t know, I woke up with Theta laying on  _ top _ of the headboards. I didn’t let him stay there, obviously, I picked him up and put him on the bed, but then I had to leave the room because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

“How in the fuck!” They giggled, and curled inward a little. “No, but like, seriously, how the fuck does one do that?”

“With a lot of effort and practice.” Clem retorted teasingly, returning to the room. Adam hovered awkwardly behind her, now in a much larger sweatshirt than he was wearing earlier. He tapped his headphones, and then pointed at Hartley.

“I got you, hon.” They said, and also signed. Turning their attention back at the others, they continued, “Uhh, Adam tends to go nonverbal after a panic attack, so he’s gonna sign and I’m going to assume you aren’t super versed in ASL so I’m gonna translate. Cool? Cool.”

“Thete’s the one who understands most languages,” the Rani said. “I know a bit of ASL, but if I’m being honest, I’ve barely grasped English. Everything I know is from books.”

“That’s valid. Me ‘n Reese kinda taught ourselves when we were younger because we generally always keep our headphones on for sensory stuff, so we had to find a way to talk without phone vibration or the requirement of hearing. Phone vibration stresses me out.”

“Valid,” Ellie said from the doorway. “Wait, hang on, Rani, is that why you pronounce shit so weird?”

“Yeah, I never really bothered to learn outside of books,” the Rani said, shrugging. “Up until I met you lot, I mostly just spoke Gallifreyan.”

“That’s valid.” Clem said. “I suck ass at fingerspelling, mostly because fingerspelling is supposed to go really fast, and I can’t register individual letters fast enough. Hartley’s a speed demon, like in most things.” 

She cast a smile in their direction, and waved for Adam’s attention. She signed directly to him, and he nodded and started to grab tea cups from the top shelf. Hartley gave a sheepish grin. “Adhd brain. Not allowed to do things slowly.”

“Understandable,” the Rani said. Ellie tapped her on the arm and passed her a device shaped like a smartphone.

“Diana made this, by the way. Said she meant to give this to you earlier,” she said.

“The Gallifreyan to English translator?” the Rani asked. Ellie nodded.

“Well, now you can use that if Thete and I are ever not here,” the Master said, wrapping an arm around the Rani’s waist. She just smiled and pocketed the translator, resting her head on his shoulder.

Adam grinned. Signing directly to Hartley, they turned and said, “He’s saying y’all’re soft.” Cutting the Master off before he could make any jokes, the Rani covered his mouth with her hand. 

“We try-” She let out a yelp. “Koschei, did you just  _ lick me _ ?!”

“Nothing he hasn’t done before,” Ellie muttered, quickly looking away when the Rani glared at her.

Adam looked at Hartley in bewilderment, who fumbled their signs from laughing.

“Tell Adam that apparently I’m married to  _ two _ morons, as opposed to  _ one _ ,” the Rani said, wiping her hand off on her slacks. 

They signed to Adam, who visibly cracked up. Turning back to the Rani, he signed “RIP”. The Rani at least knew the ASL alphabet and started laughing. 

“I have no regrets,” the Master said, signing as he spoke. Like the Doctor, he tried to learn as many languages as he could, because he hated not being able to be understood. 

The tea kettle whistled. “Uhhh… I’m not the tea expert, and I’m Jared, 19, so like. All our tea’s here, take your pick.” Clem said, gesturing to the open cupboard. The Rani made to stand on her tiptoes to see everything, only to let out a sharp squeal of surprise when the Master lifted her up onto his shoulders. 

“Tall enough?” he asked, laughing. 

“You are  _ such _ a prick,” she told him, grabbing a bag of mint tea for herself. “What do you want, heathen?”

“Irish breakfast is fine,” he replied. “And you know Thete likes ginger.”

“Are we gonna let that happen?” she asked.

“They get giggly like that, so… yeah.”

“We’re terrible influences.”

“Isn’t it wonderful?” She snorted and grabbed the tea, tapping her heel against his chest. 

“Okay, let me down,” she told him. He grabbed her by the waist and set her down surprisingly gently. She pecked him on the cheek and went to make their tea.

Hartley, reaching up on their tiptoes as well, grabbed a bag of oolong down, and then returned to their perch on the counter. Clem grabbed the black tea, and signed at Adam. At his response, she grabbed a bag of earl grey down. While looking at Hartley and signing to Adam, she said, “I promised Reese I’d bring him some green tea, so I’m gonna go do that. Be right back.”

Slipping the bag into the filled cup, she started back down the halls. The Rani grimaced as she stirred the Doctor’s tea, adding enough sugar to give the entire ship cavities. 

“How do they drink this?” she muttered.

“In one gulp, like a heathen,” the Master deadpanned, signing the exchange to Adam to make him laugh too.

Adam grinned, and rolled his eyes. He signed at Hartley, who started cackling. “Adam’s proposing a heathen-off, between the exmormons and the renegades. Who destroyed their parent/cousins’ expectations more - us or you?”

“They wanted Thete and I to go into politics,” the Master said.

“I had a successful career as a scientist, up until I killed the Lord President,” the Rani added with a shrug.

“Oh, we can one-up that, easily.” Hart shrugged. “We’re out of the closet. But also how the fuck did you kill the Lord President?”

“I assumed that was mentioned in the show,” the Rani said, laughing. “I had a strain of giant rats. One day, they escaped, ate the Lord President’s cat, and then took a chunk out of him. There was a half-assed trial after he regenerated, and I was exiled that day.”

“Damn, what is it with you two and half-assed trials?” Hart asked, gesturing between the Rani and the Master.

“Gallifrey is shit,” the Master answered. 

“Mood.” Hart and Adam both signed.

“Oh, here’s another one. I was Loomed sickly,” the Rani said, shaking her wrist lightly to show them the pillbox she kept there. “No respiratory bypass system, and overly-sensitive lungs. Too much strain, and I could collapse, seize, and die.”

“I wish I could say that I couldn’t confirm the seizure part,” the Master muttered. She reached over and squeezed his hand lightly, brushing her thumb over his knuckles.

Adam started signing rapidly to Hartley, and they nodded. “Uhh, Adam’s first coming out experience was to an old white guy who proceeded to tell him he was a total sin and a half, and that he’d never make it to any level of heaven because he’d, like, accepted that he has sexual thoughts. Just Mormon Things, y’know.”

“Mormons are cunts,” the Master said. “Just like my lovely father, who found out that one of my fiances was a man and proceeded to berate me in front of my entire House.”

“My aunt told me that I was a disgrace because I couldn’t ‘settle for just one’,” the Rani muttered. 

“Mormons like to go on and on about how polygamy was a thing that they  _ had _ to do in the 1800s because  _ God said so _ , but as soon as I mention that my friend’s dating two people, they’re all over my ass for being friends with an UWU  _ DIRTY SINNER _ .” Hartley groaned, taking a sip of their tea.

“Petition to go kill some Mormons?” Diana asked from the doorway, looking far too hopeful.

“No murder,” the Rani said.

“I’ll consider it,” the Master said at the same time.

“I mean, I’m in the no-murder camp, but also, I’d love to have Mormons have an awareness of the shit they say and how it lasts.” Hartley said. Behind them, Adam nodded.

“You mean like giving them a taste of their own medicine?” Diana asked. “I might be able to help…”

“What are you planning, Dianadvoreliar?” the Master asked, a warning tone entering his voice.

“Nothing too bad, Father,” Diana said. “Just a call to my siblings.”

“Uhh, let’s see, what else is on my greatest hits album…” Hartley mumbled. “Oh, uh, let’s talk about that time when my friends specifically said that I was so brave for being out as a ‘gender I think I am’, and continually talked shit behind my back.” The Master’s eye started to twitch slightly. 

“That sort of behaviour would generally end in a murder,” he said, taking a few deep breaths to stop another temper flareup.

“I mean, like, it’s not like it’s surprising or anything. Again, Just Mormon Things. Nonbinary and trans people are icky and both deluded and brave, apparently.”

Waving, Adam got Hart’s attention again, and started signing. Slowly, Hart translated his story.

“Uh… He wasn’t out as trans for a long time, but… the one time he mentioned to a friend that he might be bi or otherwise not straight, they immediately started talking about how he could go see a bishop and talk about it. He didn’t, at the time, but he didn’t really come out again after that for a long long while.”

“After the first time I collapsed, I was called  _ it _ for a long time,” the Rani said, keeping her voice even and squeezing the Master’s hand again. “Nobody wants a sickly child. Least of all one who could die at any moment.” A slight wheeze entered her voice, and the Master tapped her wrist to remind her. She nodded and opened her pillbox, picking a yellow tablet with purple spots out of a purple-tinted compartment and dry-swallowing it. “After my collapse, I lost most of my friends, too. The Deca was all I had, but most of them are gone too.”

“No thanks to Vansell,” the Master muttered.

“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry.” They set their tea cup down. “I, uh. Is it possible for me to time travel and fucking punch them?”

“Paradoxes, dear,” she reminded them gently. “What’s done is done. Although I do believe this makes it a draw for now?”

Cheeks red, they nodded. “Yeah. Side note, Gallifrey sounds suspiciously like a cult. Anyways, uh, y’all should… mayhaps… be going back home.”

Their shoulders sank pretty obviously.

“I mean, you could always join us?” the Rani suggested. “There’s always room for more on my TARDIS.”

They paused, obviously seriously considering it. “I… I mean. I- it’s a yes from me, but if Reese doesn’t want to go, I can’t abandon him. If he doesn’t stay, then I’m gonna be bouncing back and forth as much as I can.”

“Why not call everyone in and ask them, then?” the Rani suggested.

“He- he gets overstimulated when stressed, and I dunno if he’s- oh, nevermind.” Behind them, Reese had returned, headphones off, and holding the tea cup. “Reese, how would you like to move in with the poly gays?”

“Ehh. Lemme grab my blanket from home and I’m game.”

Hart pumped their fists, and looked at Adam and Clem.

Clem shrugged. “Hey, it’ll be fun. Plus we won’t have to get all new Roombas.”

Adam just signed a simple yes, and wiped his eyes sheepishly. The Rani grinned at them. 

“Come on, kids. Let’s go home,” she said.


	8. The Adoption

Hartley yawned, wearing the blanket around their shoulders like a cape. Something in the back of their head had been bothering them, so they’d decided to take a walk around their new home to try and burn off whatever energy had been keeping them from sleeping.

A light in the console room attracted their attention, and they swerved off course to poke their head inside. “Rani?” They stumbled inside, pulling their blanket closer around them. “I thought you said you were going to bed with your partners.”

“I had to finish something first,” the Rani explained, reaching up to pull the pen out of her messy bun so that she could finish writing something. Satisfied, she set the pen down and handed Hartley four manilla envelopes, each addressed to one of their group.

They blinked heavily, staring at the envelopes. “I don’t know what this is.” They said, looking back up at her.

“Then open yours and find out,” she replied, grinning.

Raising an eyebrow cautiously, they shuffled through until finding theirs (and definitely not still getting a rush when seeing  _ Hartley Blair _ written on it) and slowly opened it up. Skimming the papers, they looked back up. “Rani, it’s like 2 in the morning. I’m Jared, I’m 19. I still don’t know what this is.” The Rani just handed them a pen, pointing to the dotted line at the bottom.

“Is this the new terms and conditions?” They joked, grinning widely at her. The Rani snorted. 

“It’s something even more important,” she said. A few lines up from the bottom, there was a line about “adoptee’s name”. She’d carefully written out  _ Hartley Arpexia-Lungbarrow-Oakdown _ , and then right beside it was  _ Hartley Saxon _ . She’d done the same thing on all of the papers, writing out their “official” names and their “disguise” names for any jaunts to Earth.

Trying to avoid the voice they’d assumed was random thoughts as opposed to the actual part of their brain that was registering what they were reading, they continued, “It’s pretty bold of you to assume I remember how a pen works.”

“You click it, and write your name on the line,” the Rani said, laughing.

“Again, it’s also pretty bold of you to assume I can remember my own goddamn name at 2 am.”

“I mean, if you sign this, it’ll change,” she deadpanned.

“Wh-”

They stared at her. And then reread the lines. And then stared at her again. 

And then nearly dropped the papers.

“MOM???? ARE YOU- I- IS THIS SERIOUSLY-”

They waved their hands vaguely again, a smile working its way across their face.

“It’s real,” the Rani said, grinning. “All four of them are.”

“HOLY FUCK!”

They’re giggling like an idiot, already tearing up, and then flying out of the room, running down to Clem’s room and knocking on the door quickly. 

“CLEM WAKE UP HOLY  _ FUCK _ !”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT!” She yelled back, through the closed door.

“YOU’RE NEVER GONNA FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!”

Her door opened. “I believe a lot of things, Hart-”

“YEAH WELL THIS ONE BLOWS THEM OUT OF THE WATER!”

They shoved the envelope addressed to her into her hand, and then ran down to Adam’s room. The Rani walked into the hallway, ready to answer any questions, seeing as most of the paperwork was written in legal terms.

“HARTLEY IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SH- oh.”

Clem went very quiet, simply staring at the papers. After a few moments, she looked back up at the Rani. “Seriously?” She asked, and her voice cracked.

“Yes, seriously,” the Rani replied, smiling. “All of those papers are completely real, and I’m very serious. We all are.”

Clem body-slammed her in a hug. She grabbed the back of her shirt and clung like there was no tomorrow. She started crying too, although asking her about this later would give you a story in which she stayed stony-faced and cool and just nodded at  _ her new legal mom _ with the Clem Patented Cool Face™. Adam walked out from his room drowsily, hair pulled back into a small bun. “What’s-?”

Hartley shoved the papers into his hand and went to get Reese up. Adam actually read through the papers, and then looked up at the Rani. “I’m gonna guess that this is, y’know, serious.”

“Completely,” the Rani answered, rubbing Clem’s back soothingly. 

“Ah.” He walked over and joined the group hug, easily enveloping the two shorter people in his arms. “Thanks. Mom.”

“Mom??”

“REESE, WE’RE BEING ADOPTED!”

“OH FUCK!”

The Rani just grinned and wrapped her arms around her new children. She nudged her partners through their mental link, and about a minute later, they both walked out to join the hug. 

The Master was wearing thin black sweatpants, like a normal person, but the Doctor was wearing blue pinstriped flannel pajamas and a long white bathrobe open over them. The robe was so long that their hands were hidden by the sleeves, and it trailed behind them to trip any unsuspecting passersby. In contrast, of course, the Rani was still wearing the same beige sweater and grey slacks she’d worn earlier in the lab, since she hadn’t even gone to bed yet, and her makeup was still on, albeit slightly smudged. Hartley was in their oversized t-shirt and leggings, with the blanket now abandoned on the ground. Adam and Reese both had sweatshirts large enough to achieve Ultimate Sweater Paws, and Adam was in a pair of leggings cut to be shorts, and Reese in normal average sweatpants. Clem was in a tank top and shorts.

What a family.


	9. Interlude: The New Adoptees

“Is this the new terms and conditions?” They joke, grinning widely at her. The Rani snorts. 

“It’s something even more important,” she says. A few lines up from the bottom, there’s a line about “adoptee’s name”. She’d carefully written out  _ Hartley Arpexia-Lungbarrow-Oakdown _ , and then right beside it was  _ Hartley Saxon _ . She’d done the same thing on all of the papers, writing out their “official” names and their “disguise” names for any jaunts to Earth.

Trying to avoid the voice they assume is random thoughts as opposed to the actual part of their brain that’s registering what they’re reading, they continue, “It’s pretty bold of you to assume I remember how a pen works.”

“You click it, and write your name on the line,” the Rani says, laughing.

“Again, it’s also pretty bold of you to assume I can remember my own goddamn name at 2 am.”

“I mean, if you sign this, it’ll change,” she deadpans.

“Wh-”

They stare at her. And then reread the lines. And then stare at her again. 

And then nearly drop the papers.

“MOM????”

_ Their mom- their mom?- why would she want to be their mom- _

“ARE YOU- I- IS THIS SERIOUSLY-”

They wave their hands vaguely again, a smile working its way across their face.

“It’s real,” the Rani says, grinning. “All four of them are.”

“HOLY FUCK!”

They’re giggling like an idiot, already tearing up -

_ and they can’t fucking understand why she’d want to adopt them, or why they’d get a mom again after all this time, _

\- and then flying out of the room, running down to Clem’s room and knocking on the door quickly. 

 

She's tired, and it's late, and she doesn't know who or why or what is banging on her door.

“CLEM WAKE UP HOLY  _ FUCK _ !”

Hartley.

That makes a little bit more sense.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT!” She yells back, through the closed door, still curled up in the warmth of her blankets.

“YOU’RE NEVER GONNA FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!”

She groans, rolls to the door, almost rips it open. “I believe a lot of things, Hart-”

“YEAH WELL THIS ONE BLOWS THEM OUT OF THE WATER!”

They shove an envelope addressed to her into her hand ( _ for fuck’s sake, Hartley, it's 3 in the morning, I literally can't read this _ ), and then runs down to Adam’s room. 

“HARTLEY IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SH-”

Out of the corner of her eye, she spots the Rani walking down the hall, but she’s too focused on trying to make out the writing on the paper to really-

_ oh. _

_ o h. _

And it's warmth and it's the feeling she got watching her friends go home to houses with rainbow flags and the phone calls she got of friends screaming in joy from letters of name changes and HRT and it's the feeling she used to have in a hug and- and- and- it's loss and things she never got anymore and it's all flooding back.

She looks back up at the Rani. “Seriously?” She asks, wishing her voice wouldn’t crack like that, she can’t let on-

“Yes, seriously,” the Rani replies, smiling. “All of those papers are completely real, and I’m very serious. We all are.”

And then it’s all she can do to hug the Rani -  _ Mom _ \- as tight as possible and pretend she isn’t sobbing like a child.

 

There’s a loud banging noise on his door, accompanied by Hartley’s voice repeatedly yelling his name. Only vaguely awake, he opens the door and squints at the immortal. “What’s-?

And then Hartley’s shoving an envelope into his hands and running across the hall to wake up Reese. He glances over at the Rani, who’s cradling Clem as she sobs, and he’s concerned, but he reads through the papers in the envelope and his hands start to shake.

_ Wow. _

“I’m gonna guess that this is, y’know, serious.”

And she’s nodding, and he’s wheezing. It’s been forgoddammever since he’s known anyone who would care for him like that and he knows no one in his family -  _ previous family now, I guess _ \- would call him son and. And who knows, now, really, so he just joins the hug and pulls them both to his chest as if that can explain some of what he’s feeling.

“Th- thanks. Mom.” He says, as softly as he can.

 

Hartley’s banging on his ( _ his? her? their? who knows, it’s too early for this shit _ )  _ their _ door and they open it as quickly as they can and Hart’s shoving papers into their hands and yells “READ!”   
And they start to, but then their attention is drawn to the way Adam’s holding the Rani who’s holding Clem who’s crying and Adam says “Mom” and suddenly that’s the only thing they can hear and they go-

“Mom??”

And then Hartley’s grabbing them in a jumping hug and yells “REESE, WE’RE BEING ADOPTED!”

“HOLY FUCK!”

And quite frankly, there’s no better way to put it.

There’s a lot there, mostly just the realization that someone really cares about them and that’s so stunning, but what’s more stunning is that this particular someone actually asks for their pronouns and lets them drink caffeine and helps them do dumb shit and doesn’t make fun of them for their extensive possum memorabilia collection and  _ god. mom huh. _

The Rani just grins and wraps her arms around Hartley and Reese as they both go slamming into the hug. And some time passes probably, and then the Doctor and the Master -  _ oh fuck, they’re probably also our parents now - oh fuck again Adam and Clem are my siblings now  _ \- and then they’re probably crying too as the two other Time Lords join the massive hug.

Hell of a family they’ve got now.


	10. Hello, Donna

A few days later, the Doctor left for a few hours to pick up their new companion, who they’d been very vague about. The Rani decided to head to her lab for a bit while she waited, going to check on the jars of dinosaur embryos that she’d moved from the console room a few months prior. Adam was the first in the console room of the Kids™, and looked around. Everything was moving fast and everything was wild, but the console room was enough like Hartley’s old control room that it feel reassuring. There was a blue sticky note taped to the tube containing the rings on the console, just within eyesight. He meandered over towards it, raising an eyebrow. In the Rani’s neat script, it read,  _ Kids- if you have a sensory problem, ask Vayu to take you to the Zero Room. I try to keep it right outside the console room, but things move. Love, Mom. _

With a quiet grin, Adam moved the note a little lower for Hart, Clem, and Reese to see.

_ Mom _ .

God. Mom, huh.

“G’morning, blondie.” Reese commented, walking in after him. “Y’alright?”

“Yeah. Uhh, Mom left a note about the Zero Room.”

Reese stared at the note for several seconds, taking a sip of their coffee. “God. Mom, huh.”

“That’s what I was thinking! Hey, Reese-nouns?”

“Uhh. It’s too early. Let’s default to they.”

Adam gave them a thumbs-up. The phone on the console rang then, a low trilling that was deliberately designed to be less irritating to the kiddos in the case of a sensory problem. Nobody could say that the Rani didn’t think of everything.

After exchanging a quick glance, Reese walked over and picked up the phone. “Who’s speaking?”

“Hey, kiddo. It’s Dad,” the Doctor replied cheerfully. “Just wanted to let you know that I’m on my way back with Donna!”

Reese nearly dropped the phone, for several reasons, but one stuck out. “DONNA?!”

“Yeah, Donna Noble,” they said. “Y’know, the one I’ve been talking about the last few days?”

“YEAH, BUT LIKE- THE DONNA.  _ THE _ DONNA. DAD HOLY FUCK.” Pulling their head away from the phone, they stared Adam down (like they hadn’t been looking in his vague direction this entire conversation) and said “Donna! Donna Noble! I’m going to die! I love her!”

“I mean, don’t we all?” Adam returned, grinning.

“What’s be happening?” Hartley asked, entering the room as carried by a Clem.

“Anyway, if you wouldn’t mind telling your mum, I’ll be there in about ten minutes,” the Doctor said. “Give your siblings my love, and I’ll be home shortly!”

“Get Mom, 10 minutes, give sibs love. Got it. Take care, Dad.”

Reese hung up, and looked at their siblings. “Hey, guess what? Dad sends love.”

Hartley laughed a little, and slid off Clem’s back. “Do you want me to get Mom?”

“Nah, I’m fine, I got it. 10 minutes. Donna Noble.”

They walked down the halls, gently chanting that to themself. The Rani was still in her lab, humming to herself as she checked the chemical balances of the embryo jars. Reese knocked on the door quietly. “Mom?”

“Hmm?” The Rani turned, smiling. “What’s up, kiddo?”

“Uhh, Doctor-Dad says they’re gonna be home in- shit. It’s- it’s 10 minutes, and they’re bringing Donna. HA!”

They pumped their fists, and took another sip of coffee. The Rani nodded and went to remove her lab coat and gloves before walking over to hug them. They gave a soft squeak, but hugged her back.

“By the way, I meant to ask first thing. Pronouns today?” she asked.

“It’s too early to say. I default to they/them in the mornings.” The Rani nodded. 

“So, shall we go and wait for your dad?”

They had a flustered on their face. “Yeah, s- sure.” She made sure the embryo jars were sealed before walking out to the console room with Reese.

Back in the console room, Clem was resting on Adam’s shoulders, almost asleep again. Hartley was leaning against the doorway, and grinned at Reese and the Rani as soon as they entered. 

“Good morning, kiddos,” the Rani said, smiling. “Coffee was still hot, I take it?”

“Hell yeah.” Reese said, continuing to sip their coffee. “Love caffeine in the morning.”

“Hugest worm.” Hart added. The Rani laughed and shook her head slightly, still not entirely understanding the phrases they used. As if on cue, the TARDIS doors opened, and the Doctor walked in with a ginger woman. 

“Hell of a way to introduce your new girlfriend,” the Rani deadpanned. 

Hartley scrambled to their feet, bouncing excitedly. They were mildly breathless, absolutely stunned and giddy and sleep-deprived and hyped up on caffeine. Clem gave a two-fingered salute, and Adam giggled. “Hi.” Reese squeaked.

“Hello, kiddos!” the Doctor said, grinning. They walked over and kissed the Rani on the cheek. “Hello, wife who puts up with far too much.”

“Damn right I do,” the Rani joked. “You going to introduce your newest pet?”

“Oi.” Donna interrupted. “I’m not their  _ pet _ .”

“So, the pet has a tongue,” the Rani deadpanned. “Are you capable of introducing yourself, or must my partner do everything?”

“My name’s Donna. Donna Noble. Are you capable of not being a complete arse to anyone new, or must I do everything?”

Hiding behind their hand, Reese snorted.

The Rani clicked her tongue softly and turned to the Doctor. “I like her fire. Much less apprehensive than the last one. Martha, wasn’t it?”

“I think Martha was just afraid of you because you threatened to have her fed to the raptors if she kept flirting with me,” the Doctor pointed out.

“What can I say? I don’t like sharing outside of my marriage,” she said, shrugging. 

“It’s really nice to meet you.” Hartley said, extending a hand. “I’m Hartley B- Saxon.” They corrected sheepishly, turning more than a few shades of red. “Uhh, I use they/them pronouns- which- I’m- assuming you’re familiar with, as you called the Doctor ‘they’, so, uh. Yeah.”

“Saxon? What, like the old prime minister?” Donna asked, shaking their hand somewhat hesitantly.

“Uh… yeah.” They shuffled nervously, and took half a step back. “It’s, uh, a long story.”

“The Rani,” she introduced herself. “Occasionally known as Regina Saxon. And, yes, that means the Prime Minister is an alien.”

“I mean, not necessarily.” Clem shrugged. “Humans would and do fall in love with aliens. He could’ve been human and just- didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“I mean, if Father was human, I think it  _ would _ be a big deal, seeing as he’d be married to  _ two _ aliens and have at least one alien child,” Diana chimed in from under the console. Only her feet, clad in steel-toed combat boots, were visible, as well as the hem of her dark jeans. “I feel like that’s worth bringing up.  _ Hey, aliens are real, and I’m shagging two of them and we made more. _ ”

“Eh, fair point.” Clem shrugged again.

“Ah, that’s- Clem, she/her.” Hartley interrupted. “And this is Diana, she/her, Adam, he/him, and Reese, who’s using they/them at the moment. And, I mean, he’s Prime Minister. It probably would have been illegal to actually tell the public aliens are real, he’s fucking two of them, and then there’s more. Y’know. Protecting the public. And whatnot.”

“Okay, yeah,” Diana conceded. “Official Secrets Act and all that nonsense.”

“Say that to his face, why don’t you?” the Rani joked. “He’s gone  _ native _ .”

“Say  _ that _ to his face,” the Doctor said, snorting.

“Are these average conversations here?” Donna asked the Doctor, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, definitely,” they replied. “Normally a lot more…  _ rambly _ … but the coffee is still in effect.”

“God, yeah.” Reese mumbled, taking another sip.

“And you haven’t had any ginger in the last week, so it’s more coherent,” Diana added. The Rani kicked her lightly at the sole of her boot, just enough to get her attention.

“Behave, or I’ll remove you from the line of succession,” she warned under her breath.

“Sorry, Mother,” Diana replied, continuing her trend of quoting Shuri.

Noticing the bewildered look on Donna’s face, Adam said, “Ginger is one of the best ways to get a Time Lord drunk. Since they can, like, avoid getting intoxicated or some shit, I don’t remember how.”

“Sciencey-wiencey,” the Doctor said dismissively, just as the Rani said, “Consider it Time Lord bullshit and move on, I suppose.”

Hartley cackled, and looked over at Donna. “Welcome to the trash family, none of us have any idea what’s going on and someone is flirting.”

“Thanks.” Donna mumbled, apparently mildly concerned.

“So, I suppose a brief rundown is in order?” the Rani asked, looking at Donna for confirmation, even though she knew full well that the Doctor hadn’t remembered to explain anything. 

“Yes, please. Papercut over here’s failed to say anything about why we’re here.”

“Right then. I’ll try to summarise and cover the basics,” the Rani said, sitting on top of the console and swinging her feet slightly. “The Doctor and I are members of an alien race known as the Time Lords. I’m the Doctor’s wife, and we’re in a polyamorous marriage with another Time Lord called the Master, currently your Prime Minister. We have three biological children, two of which I’ll gloss over for now as they don’t live with us. The third is Diana, who stays with us periodically in between trips to smuggle whatever the hell she smuggles.”

“Universal contraband, mostly,” Diana supplied helpfully. The Rani decided to unpack  _ that _ suitcase later. 

“Anyway, the Doctor is mostly the one to take on companions. The Master doesn’t, and probably never will after the first and only one nearly killed him. Lucy was a cunt anyway. Anyhow, I have two part-time companions, one of which used to live here until she moved in with her girlfriend between trips. They’re not here right now, but I pick them up semi-frequently. As for the rest of the group… Hart, Adam, Clem, and Reese are our adopted children, hence the surname  _ Saxon _ . Their full names are ridiculously long for any sane person to pronounce, so even if we aren’t pretending to be normal humans, we generally default to Saxon for introductions.”

“Mum, you should probably point out the whole  _ separate TARDIS  _ thing,” Diana pointed out. 

“Oh, right,” the Rani agreed. “So, we mostly live on  _ my _ ship, the one you’re in now, although my companions and I use this ship to travel as well. As for your trips with the Doctor, you’ll be using  _ their _ ship, because theirs is better equipped to get you out of potentially dangerous situations anyway. This is a research vessel, not a child’s plaything,  _ Theta Sigma _ .” 

“Look-” the Doctor protested. “I have fun, and she’s the one who picks most of the destinations anyway, so is it really my fault?”

“It is when you nearly die half the time,” she shot back in Gallifreyan. Switching back to English, she looked back at Donna. “Any questions?”

“Uh, many.” She replied, narrowing her eyes and raising her hands.

“One at a time,” the Rani said. 

“One, what did you say to them and in what bloody language?”

“I was making a snide remark in our native language, and most comments in that language are private,” the Rani replied. “My TARDIS would normally translate any language, unless I explicitly tell him otherwise.”

“What do you mean, this is a research vessel? What kind of research?”

“I’m a biochemist who dabbles in neurochemistry, so I take a certain fascination in the biology of other species. One of my companions is also a chemist, and she makes requests to see specific chemists’ breakthroughs. The other, however, wants to visit alien worlds to learn different fighting manoeuvres.”

“And going along with that, what do you mean, the Doctor’s TARDIS is a plaything?”

“My TARDIS is a Type 95, much more advanced than the Doctor’s. Theirs is a Type 40, almost never seen anymore. The Doctor also usually plays with theirs, while I, as I said, research with and educate my companions.”

She gestured at the Kiddos™. “You don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want to, but why’d you adopt them? And are any of you human, or are you all Time Lords as well?”

“God, I wish.” Hartley answered immediately, grinning. “Nah, uhh, as far as we know, Adam, Clem, ‘n Reese are completely human, and I’m slightly… more complicated.” 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Uhh, that I’m… sorta? Human? Depending on your definition of what makes a human,  _ human _ , cause if it’s based on where you’re raised, then I guess, but- it’s a long story. Anyways. Next question?”

She turned back to addressing the Rani and the Doctor directly. “Why’d you marry the bloody Prime Minister?”

“We’ve been married since long before your society came into existence,” the Rani answered coolly. 

She frowned. “Okay, so why be the Prime Minister at all? If human society is so young and unworthy.” At that, the Rani simply shrugged. 

“He gets bored and likes having power, but there’s no way in hell he’ll be getting power around here anytime soon.”

“Keep your sex life out of this,” Diana deadpanned. 

“I will leave you on Earth with no vortex manipulator for a full week,” the Rani threatened.

“Hey, wait, uh.” Adam very gently gestured at Hartley’s coffee cup. “Can we get you anything? Like, coffee, tea, water, something along those lines?”

“I could go for some hot cocoa, if anyone else is down,” Diana suggested, sliding out from beneath the console. She was dressed in a white tank top with the dark jeans, but it was now splattered with bluish-grey oil. She looked down at herself and wrinkled her nose. “Gotta change first, obviously.”

The adopted gang, who all literally just got out of bed twelve minutes ago, shared a glance. “Yeah, us too, probably.” Clem said. The Rani snorted quietly. She was dressed in a white silk button-up blouse and brown leather trousers, and her makeup was a bit more neutral than usual. 

“If we’re having a cocoa day, we might as well call your father,” she said, mobile already in hand. 

“Not gonna use the link?” Diana asked.

“He shut it out this morning to focus. Too much background noise,” the Rani explained, stepping out of the room briefly.

“I think we’re all gonna go. Maybe. Put on clothes that aren’t pajamas.” Hartley gave Donna a two-fingered salute, and Clem slid down from Adam’s shoulders and started back down the hallways and out of sight. The Rani stepped back in a moment later, pocketing her mobile. 

“I’m going to put the water on. Thete, if you could show Donna to the library?” the Rani prompted. They nodded and waved for Donna to follow them.


	11. Fun Times in the Library

Several minutes later, the adopted gang returned to public eye, dressed in more sensible attire. Hartley had a light yellow button down shirt on, as well as a white vest and faded blue jeans. They collapsed onto a couch, curling their legs underneath them and pulling out their fidget pen out of their vest pocket. Clem, in a dark tank top and sweatpants, pulled a beanbag chair over and sat down, stretching her legs out in front of her. Adam sat down on the floor, pulling the sleeves of his light gray sweatshirt over his hands, and Reese took a seat behind him on the couch, and starting running their fingers through his hair to braid it. They were in a dark leather jacket with a graphic t-shirt about aliens and jeans, with their hair pulled back with a bow.

“So.” Hart said, grinning. “Now that we’re as prepared and awake as we’ll ever be. How’s life?” Diana, ever the dramatic bitch, stretched out on the carpet in front of the not-yet-lit fireplace, having replaced her stained tank top with a nearly identical one, just in lavender. She’d also tied a light grey sweatshirt around her waist. 

“Draw me like one of your French girls,” she said in a mock seductive tone. 

“That’s a little gay.” Reese replied, still intent on braiding Adam’s hair.

“So am I,” she pointed out. “Well, bi, but still.”

“Valid as heckity do.” Reese said distractedly, and then paused in their hair-braiding. “What the fuck was that and why did I say it. Whatever. You got my point.” Diana let out an undignified snort.

“Y’know, I’m surprised nobody said anything about the whole  _ line of succession _ thing Mum brought up,” she said.

“It’s the, uhh, sudden rush of information.” Hartley shrugged. They craned their head backwards. “Donna, wait, Donna?”

“Dad, did you get lost?” Diana called. 

“That is a distinct possibility,” the Doctor called back sheepishly. 

“Vayu can literally tell you where to go, Dad. What the fuck?”

“I… I didn’t think of that…” About a minute later, the Doctor walked in with a somewhat-disgruntled Donna.

“Can’t believe our dad is a fucking idiot.” Clem teased, grinning and pulling her legs back into her chest to allow the two to pass by her.

“One of the many reasons I’m glad I’m biologically Oakdown instead of Lungbarrow,” Diana joked. The Doctor picked up a soft purple throw pillow and smacked her with it. “Hey, that was rude.”

“We’ve been here maybe a month and how many times have you yeeted a pillow at me?” Clem asked sarcastically, a smile on her face showing that she was only teasing.

“Vines are important to me, Clem!” Diana protested. “I  _ gotta _ !”

“What you  _ gotta _ do, Diana, is help me with the mugs, since Vayu’s in partial shutdown mode to install his upgrades,” the Rani said from the doorway. Diana groaned and, like a true Oakdown, rolled onto her back and then kickflipped her way into a standing position. 

“On my way,” she grumbled, following her mother back out of the room.

“GAY!” Clem yelled at her back, grinning. “YOU OVERDRAMATIC FUNKY LITTLE BISEXUAL!”

“YOU’RE RASSILON-DAMNED RIGHT I AM!” Diana shouted back.

“Yes, please, damn Rassilon to all the hells,” the Doctor mumbled.

“God, that’s a mood.” Clem mumbled, shaking her head.

“Oh, you have no idea,” they muttered. 

“Keep that name out of my library,” the Rani said coolly, walking back in with Diana. Both of them carried large silver trays loaded with mugs of hot chocolate. The Doctor mumbled an apology.

“Sorry, Mom.” Clem said, standing up and grabbing a cup. “Thanks for the cocoa.” The Rani smiled and kissed the top of Clem’s head. 

“You’re welcome, dear.”

Reese held up their coffee mug, and said, “I’m good for now, thanks though.”

Adam tapped Hartley’s sock-clad foot, and said, “Will you grab me a mug?”

“Yeet, I got you.”

They stood up as well, took a mug with a quick “Thaaaank you!” and handed it down to Adam. The Rani put a stasis unit over the two trays and then left them on the table, going to sit down on one of the sofas, next to Hartley. The Master walked in a moment later and waved before flopping onto the sofa between her and Hartley.

“Long day?” the Rani asked.

“You have no idea,” he muttered.

“Rip, I’m sorry.” Hartley said softly, and bopped their forehead against his arm in one of their signature signs of affection. The Master smiled faintly, murmuring his thanks as Diana passed him a mug of cocoa. 

“Everything’s been uneventful here, I take it?” he asked.

“I mean, Donna’s here. Which is nice. But other than meeting her, yeah.” Clem nodded.

“We did just wake up 30 minutes ago.” Adam added, grinning.

Donna gave the Master a strange, concerned look.

“Can I help you, Red?” the Master asked, glancing over at her. The Rani shifted over to lay halfway against the Master, resting her head on his shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around her. 

“You’re the Prime Minister, last I heard. I’m adjusting.”

“Yeah, I am,” he confirmed. “Also a serial killer, psychopath hell-bent on universal domination, and probably king?”

“Yeah. Technically, despite there being no official coronation for you both, you and Thete are kings,” the Rani said. 

“Wait, does that put us in the line of succession?” Clem said, looking up from her mug suddenly. “If we’re legally now your kids?” The Rani hummed in agreement, closing her eyes. 

“Just behind Diana, I believe,” the Master added. “Unless she put her princeling in the line as well.”

“Raj is behind any children of my line,” she corrected. “With the kiddos added to the line, Raj becomes eighth in line.”

“Damn.” Clem said quietly. “Hot damn.”

“God, yeah.” Hartley said softly.

“I should commission a portrait at some point,” the Rani continued, her eyes still closed. “I’d have to have your circlets made first, of course. And likely a visit to the royal tailor, if Vayu decides to leave us on our own in that regard.”

“Circlets?” Hartley repeated, slowly veering towards the Master’s shoulder as well.

“They’re like, the tiny crowns. Right? Something akin to tiaras?” Reese piped up, finishing Adam’s braid.

“Correctamundo,” the Doctor said, and then cringed. “Please, nobody ever let me say that again.”

“I can deck you if you do?” Diana offered.

“And you can get a wrench between the eyes!” the Rani shot back.

“Why a wrench?” the Master asked, laughing.

“Because I’d throw her own toolkit at her.”

“Correctamundo, heckity do. I think it’s something to do with proximity to you that makes people say dumb shit.” Reese grinned, scooting over for Adam to sit by them. The Doctor just laughed and sat down on the sofa beside the Rani, nudging her closer to the Master so they could join the cuddle pile.

Hart, now also officially resting on the Master’s shoulder, grinned dryly. “Hey, random subject change, but Mom, were you serious about the portrait?”

“I was indeed,” she confirmed. “Not until you all are ready, of course, and then I’d have to call Romana and Ianto as well, but we  _ do _ eventually need a full family portrait.”

“I don’t think we’ve had one done since you had Diana,” the Master remarked. “I still had a stolen body, and we had to fight Theta to get him to wear something other than that damned coat.”

“I liked my coat!” the Doctor protested.

“It was a fashion abomination and you know that,” he shot back.

“It was brilliant!”

“It was revolting!”

“That coat was godtier, and even if it’s a little flashy at first, it grows on you- NOT LIKE A WEED.” Hartley said, pointing a finger at Clem.

“No, that’s exactly what it is,” the Master said. “A weed for a colourblind half-human.”

“Okay, that’s just rude,” the Doctor said, pouting. 

“Fight me.” Hartley snorted, eyes closing.

“I’m not going to fight my own kid,” the Master said.

“Laaaaame.”

“It’s called  _ parenting _ .”

“What, like teaching your daughter how to create her own personal criminal empire?” the Rani asked.

“Look, we can get into that later,” he said. “Let’s just relax for now.” Diana nodded in agreement and lit the fireplace before stretching back out on the carpet in front of it to watch the flames.

“Proper parenting is overrated. Creating personal criminal empires is cool.” Adam grinned, raising an eyebrow at the others.  “Also, Hartley is falling asleep.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Nah.” 

“Let them rest, Adam,” the Rani chided. “It’s still early.” She started to hum quietly.

“Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh…” Hartley mumbled, opening their eyes to give Adam a teasing grin. “I need better sleeping habits.”

“Hart, you’ve needed better sleeping habits since I was born. And definitely long before then.” Reese added.

“Eh. I’ll get around to implementing them someday.”

“Vayu, dim the lights,” the Rani requested quietly. The TARDIS hummed and dimmed the lights about halfway.

“What? No, Mom, it’s fine, it’s fine.”

They started to sit up again. 

“Just rest, Hart,” the Master said. “Seriously.”

“Nyehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” They mumbled in return, but laid back on his arm anyways. “Sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for,” he assured them.

“Mayhaps.” They return, and then go silent. The Rani started to hum again, and this time even Diana’s eyes were drifting shut.

“No fair,” the Doctor protested. “You can’t use the lullaby against us!”

“She can, and she is,” the Master said with a snort. 

“Add it to the list of lethal weapons in this goddamn TARDIS. Mom’s lullabies.” Clem grinned.

“Yeah, she’s been singing that one since she was pregnant for the first time,” the Doctor said.

“Mmmmm… valid.” Hartley mumbled, apparently already half-asleep. Then the statement seemed to sink in, and they blinked. “What?”

“Almost two thousand years ago,” the Master said, laughing quietly. “Time really does fly, doesn’t it?”

“You’ve been singing the same lullaby for two thousand years?” Adam repeated, curling his legs into his chest. “Wow. I- that’s dedication.”

“It’s worked for the first four,” the Rani pointed out, opening one eye. “Clearly seems to work on you four as well.”

Reese, half curled up on Adam’s lap, shook their head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The Rani laughed quietly.

“I’m sure you don’t, dear.”

As subtly as they could, Hartley swiped at their eyes. Clem noticed, and gently patted their ankle. The Rani smiled and closed her eyes again. “Mmm. Donna, I’m kinda sorry that we’re literally falling asleep here, but in fairness, I think I only slept for about 2 hours last night.”

“I don’t blame you.” She returned, taking a sip of hot chocolate.

“We’re generally either an extremely tired family or a dangerously energetic family, no in between,” the Doctor joked.

“It’s the, uhh, combination of ADHD, nervous anxiety energy, and general adrenaline addiction.” Reese grinned, stretching their arms out.

“Theta Sigma, a summary,” the Master deadpanned. The Doctor reached over the Rani’s head to smack him.

“I mean, is he wrong?” Clem asked.

“You can shut up,” the Doctor said, not at all serious.

“I could, but at what cost?” In response, they picked up another throw pillow, this one red and embroidered with silver Gallifreyan, and threw it at her. She cackled and caught it, wrapping her arms around it and leaning forward. “You tried.”

“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” At that, the Rani picked her head up, opening her eyes again.

“Theta, I am begging you to shut the fuck up with the overused jokes,  _ please _ . I just want to enjoy my nap before Koschei has to leave again.”

“Am I just your personal pillow now?” the Master asked. 

“I can’t cuddle with Thete in this body, they’re a stick insect!”

“ _ Hey _ !”

“Again, not wrong.” Clem shrugged. “You’re a skinny asshole in pinstripe suits who looks like a cockatoo.”

“I do  _ not _ look like a cockatoo!” they protested. “And I’m not a stick insect either. Donna!”

“Yes you do.” She laughed. “It’s the hair, all sticky-upy.” She waggled her fingers to make her point. The Doctor crossed their arms and-

“Dad, for fuck’s sake. Are you  _ pouting _ ?” Diana asked. “Are you honest-to-Omega  _ pouting _ right now?”

“I’m  _ not _ !”

“You  _ are _ !”

Almost asleep, Hartley mumbled, “Yes you are.”

“Is every one of my children going to betray me today?” the Doctor whined.

“I don’t know, I can call the twins and find out,” Diana deadpanned.

“Please do it.” Clem grinned, leaning forward onto her elbows. “That would be goddamn hilarious.”

“And besides, Adam still hasn’t betrayed you.” Reese laughed, elbowing said man in the stomach lightly. Diana pulled a tablet out of her sweatshirt pocket and started typing. Clem started cackling, and leaned back again. “I didn’t know you were serious, Di.” In response, Diana pulled up a video call with two identical people, both with curling black hair and bright blue eyes. On the left was a young man in a full three-piece suit, and on the right was a woman in white Gallifreyan robes, collar and all. 

“I’m supposed to be in a  _ meeting _ , Di,” the woman protested. 

“Dad asked if we were all going to betray them today, Ro. I needed backup!” Diana said, laughing at the horrified expression on the Doctor’s face. The man turned to someone off-camera, then started laughing.

“Jack said to tell them that the one with the big ears is a phenomenal kisser,” he managed to get out. The Doctor started spluttering incoherently.

A very soft Hartley mumbled, “ _ I _ have big ears, ‘n I ffffucking love ‘em.”

“Because you’re precious, Hart,” the Master said, ruffling their hair lightly.

“I think this is best continued at a family meeting, yeah?” Romana suggested, glancing over Diana’s shoulder. “Perhaps next month, on Miasimia?”

“Sounds good to me, big sis,” Diana replied cheerfully. “Don’t shag Leela on your desk again!”

“ _ Dianadvoreliar _ !”

“Di- no- I-  _ don’t give Jack any ideas _ !” Ianto spluttered.

Clem started cackling in the background, sprawling out onto her back and covering her mouth with her hand. Hartley grinned in their still-almost-sleep, and Reese and Adam snorted in near unison.

“Let’s be real here, Yan,” Diana said, a shit-eating grin on her face. “If I took a blacklight to the Hub, it’d look like a Jackson Pollock painting.”

“I’m going to take your tablet if you keep up that talk, Diana,” the Rani warned.

“We have  _ gUESTS! _ ” Adam squaked, covering his face with his hands and grinning embarrassedly.

“Guest, singular,” Diana corrected. “Everyone else is family.”

“My point still stands!”

“I wish you were adopted, Diana,” Romana groaned. 

“We’re nearly fucking identical.”

“And?”

Reese cackled. “This family is god.”

“Hell yeah we are,” Diana said. Romana just sighed and hung up. 

Reese snickered harder, and commented, “Valid.”

“See you next week, Di!” Ianto said cheerfully before he hung up too. Diana stuck her tongue out at her now-dark tablet.

“God. Romana and Ianto, huh.” Adam said, mimicking Reese. Reese elbowed him in the stomach.

“Behave,” the Rani chided, reaching over to swat them both. In unison, they squeaked and ducked, which was a bit of a feat on Reese’s part as they were still laying half in Adam’s lap. The Rani nudged Reese lightly with her foot in retaliation. “Can’t believe this tall ass gets off unpunished. Absolutely ridiculous.” They snorted in reply. In response, Diana turned and tackled them both. They both yelled, loud enough for Hartley to get startled and almost sort of wake up. Clem grinned, wide. Diana dragged Clem into the tackle pile. The Rani just sighed and started humming again so that Hart could sleep. Adam laughed as Clem climbed over him to get at Diana. Clem immediately started ruffling her hair in the manner of an annoying older brother.

“ _ Clem _ ,” Diana whined in protest, squirming away. “This is  _ bullying _ !”

“Uh huh, and so is tackling Reese ‘n Adam and waking everyone’s favorite sleepy baby up!”

“‘m not a sleepy baby…” Hartley mumbled. “‘tho I do appreciate the Markiplier reference.”

“Markiplier?” the Rani asked, puzzled. Diana let out a dramatic gasp, collapsing on top of Clem.

Clem laughed and nudged her off towards Reese. “He’s a Youtuber. Plays video games for a living. He has this video where he’s playing as a kid and is being hunted by haunted animatronics and yells ‘I’M A SLEEPY BABY!’ It’s one of Hart’s favorites.”

“I don’t understand,” the Rani said. “How was that supposed to save his life?”

“It wasn’t, just supposed to make him feel better about the life choices that led him here.”

“Fucking rip, I guess,” Diana said, snorting. 

“I’m pretty sure he dies right after that line, too, so quite literally, rip.” 

“Oof.”

“Why do you always say that?” the Master asked.

“Because I have the mentality of a child and spend way too much time on Earth,” Diana replied. 

“You know what? Big mood.”


	12. Adam Needs a Hug

Adam’s phone buzzed one morning during breakfast. With a startled look, he glanced at the notification, and then stood and exited the room, raising it to his ear. Clem and Reese glanced at each other, and Hartley frowned. “Didn’t he tell people he doesn’t respond to phone calls?” Hartley asked.

“Yeah,” Diana said, frowning. “Something’s not right.”

“No kidding.” Reese mumbled, and then stood to follow him outside.

In the hall, he had the phone pressed tight to his ear, speaking low and quick. “I- I don’t- I don’t know if I can take time off from w-work to come home, Dad.” A pause. “Yes, I know it’s her wedding day, but that doesn’t change- Dad-”

He groaned, and lowered the phone. Running a hand down his face, he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” Reese asked, cocking her head slightly.

“I- My dad’s ma-making me come home.” He answered, and leaned further into the wall. “My cousin is getting married.”

“Oh shit.” She whispered, and then hugged him tightly.

“Do I need to go get our parents?” Diana asked quietly.

“Y- yeah.” She nodded and practically sprinted down the hall to get their parents. Clem and Hartley both walked out as well, glancing at him. “Do I need to punch someone in the face and/or dick?” Clem asked, keeping her voice low.

Adam gave a choked laugh. “N-no, it’s just a wedding.” The polys emerged from their room, clearly having just woken up.

“What’s going on?” the Rani asked, rubbing her eyes.

“I- I need to go home.” Adam said softly. “My- my dad called, my cousin is getting married and he won’t take ‘I don’t have time to come home’ for an answer. I need to- to get back there and at least attend the wedding.”

“Do you need us to come with you?” the Rani asked.

“Or to kill someone?” the Master added.

“I- No killing, but yes, having you around would be- good.”

“I- Adam…” Hartley shuffled. “I- I appreciate that you need us around, but I- I can’t- not- Mormons-” They waved their hands vaguely, and he nodded.

“I know, and I- I don’t expect you to. Nor you, Reese, and Clem, you don’t have to either.”

“I think I’d probably end up being less help than hinderance.” Clem said softly.

“Then we’ll go with you,” the Rani promised, and her spouses nodded in agreement.

“I’m sorry.” Hartley said softly, and Adam shook his head.

“Hart, don’t- don’t apologize. It’s okay, seriously, I just- I don’t wanna go back alone. Especially cause they don’t know I’m- a guy.” The Rani stiffened slightly. “I- I guess I’m gonna have to come out, too, which I was hoping I could not do until I was further along in my transition but-” He sighed. “It’s happening now, I guess.”

“Speaking of which, remind me when we’re back and you’re feeling better,” she said. “I have some ideas you might like to hear.”

“Ideas about what?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Your transition, of course,” she said, as though it should have been obvious.

“Oh. Right. Valid.” He said softly, still staring at the floor.

“Hey.” Hartley said softly, rubbing his arm. “You need to eat something, before it gets too much later. We can worry about this later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short chapter in preparation for all hell breaking loose.


	13. Meet the Ridleys

“So, you’re sure you want us to keep our distance for now, son?” the Master asked, concern lacing his tone as he looked at Adam. “I wouldn’t mind walking in with you.” He was wearing a simple black suit, white undershirt, and bloodred tie, looking like he was about to go to a press conference.

“Either way, this will certainly be a day to remember,” the Rani commented, adjusting his jacket lapel and making sure that the spy-cam was firmly in place. She was wearing a close-fitting red gown, slit up her left leg to reveal the gold anklet with Gallifreyan charms representing her family, and low red heels. Her hair was unbound, and her makeup was severe but not as dark as it would be later. As always, she wore a thin golden chain around her neck, the heart engraved with the English names of their family nestled into the hollow of her throat. Herself and her spouses were at the top, and the children were in age-descending order along the sides.

“And bloody hysterical for us,” the Doctor agreed, leaning back against the console. They wore their normal suit, though they’d elected to leave the trench coat at home. A spy-cam identical to the one the Master wore was fixed to the corner of their glasses. 

Adam took a deep breath, straightening his tie and trying to stay calm. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He mumbled in that distracted way when he wasn’t exactly listening. “Uhh, yeah. Fucking- hi _ lar _ ious.”

Hartley, wandering into the room, patted his shoulder. “Adam, you don’t have to do it today.”

“I mean. No, I don’t have to, but I- I need to. Just as, like, closure. I guess.”

Hartley frowned, and bopped their head against his shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. Brother.”

He laughed, and gave them a half-hug.

“Whenever you’re ready, son,” the Rani murmured, pulling Adam into a careful hug and doing her best to not smear her makeup on him.

With shaking arms, he hugged her back. Letting out a quick breath, he pulled back. “Okay. If we don’t go now, I’m gonna chicken out.”

“Hart, with Diana out today, you’re in charge,” the Rani said. “Behave, please. And just til I get back, keep the labs locked?”

“Terrible idea, but okay.” Hartley teased. The Rani laughed.

“If we need backup at this Temple bullshit, I’ll call,” the Master assured them.

“Uhh, none of us will actually be going into the temple itself. It’s just Jade, her husband, and the religious family that have active temple records that are going inside. We get to hang out outside with the kids and whichever family members get to stay outside with them.” He glanced back at their headgear. “And, uh, undoubtedly someone is going to politely tell you to frick off because of your marriage.”

“At which point, I can introduce myself as the king of hell and the master of the universe,” the Master deadpanned. 

“And I, your ever-faithful queen,” the Rani said with far too much dramatic flair to be taken seriously.

Adam cracked a grin. “I mean, we’ll definitely be kicked out at that point. That is, if I’m not kicked out from the general gathering for wearing this-” He motioned to his formal suit, and his hair pulled back into a bun with flower clips- “And generally living in sin.” The Master laughed and tucked something garishly pink into the inside pocket of his jacket. 

“Anyway, let’s head out, then,” he said, ruffling Hartley’s hair. “Be good, kids!”

“There’s only one of me listening, but we will!” Hartley grinned, and knocked their forehead against his arm as well. They turned to Adam again, and tucked a paper flower they’d procured into his lapel. “If they ask where their precious ‘lil kiddo went, tell them that you’re a doppelganger and that actually, she got shapeshifted into this flower and you wear it as some kind of- oh fuck, what’s the word when you- SPOILS OF WAR!”

Adam let out a small laugh. “This is  **[REDACTED]** , she got shapeshifted into a flower and is now my war spoils. I like it.”

“My son’s first trophy,” the Master joked. “My first was a finger bone, but a paper flower is just as valid.”

“Wait, what? A- a finger bone?” the Doctor spluttered. 

“Just a little something to remember Torvic by,” the Master said dismissively.

“Okay, we’re discussing this later,” they insisted. 

Hartley giggled. “Valid. Now, schooch!” They started lightly hustling Adam towards the door, as he grinned back at them. “Go, go, go, go, go, go-”

“Hart, we’re going!” He laughed, and opened the doors. Taking a very deep breath, he stepped outside. “The temple should be a few blocks that way.” The three Time Lords nodded and followed their son, with the Master making devil jokes the whole way there.

Looming above them, once again, was the Salt Lake City Temple on Temple Square. (Lots of parts of Adam wished he wouldn’t capitalize all of that, as if it gave it too much power over him, but it would technically be a proper noun, and there’s no way around that. He sighed very heavily internally.) The spires reaching as close to heaven as Mormons thought they always were, the golden statue of Moroni blasting his trumpet on closed ears. The Master rolled his eyes at the sight of it all.

“Reminds me of the statues of Rassilon in the Capital,” he muttered. The Rani winced with a phantom pain at the mention of the founder of Time Lord society. 

“I hate this place already,” she whispered. “Can’t wait to get kicked out.”

“My family wanted me to get married here.” Adam mumbled softly. “For generations, our family’s always gotten married here. Mormons love all their temples, but everyone really loves this one because it’s so big and it’s by the conference building and church offices. They say there’s something special about it.

“I think the special bit is just that it’s that much colder than the others.”

He glanced back down at his feet, and took a shaky breath. “It’s just for a little bit. And, lucky us, we don’t have to go inside. And the grounds can actually be quite pretty, if you don’t stop to think about where you are.”

“This is cult territory,” the Doctor said. “This is just… this is a cult. Special robes, prophets, the toxic environment? This is a reverse Satanic thing.”

“Satanists are kind of cool, though,” the Master pointed out.

“Says the one who summoned a demon by chanting ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’ backwards,” the Rani shot back. 

“You weren’t even- were you there?” 

“Hiding, but yes. I was curious. Nice zodiac robes, though. They looked soft.”

“Yeah, they were.”

Adam grinned slightly. “If you do that again here, I will lose my shit. Out-cult the all-American cult.”

“I can make some calls,” the Master suggested. “Ushas, can we borrow a dinosaur?”

“ _ No _ ,” the Rani said firmly. “Be as culty as you want, but don’t rope my babies into this.”

“Psychic projection, then?” he asked dejectedly. 

“Project Azal or something,” she suggested. 

“They’ll probably assume it’s God or something.” Adam said, shaking his head. “At best, they’ll say it’s God cancelling the wedding because of sinful people in attendance, ie, me.”

“After the wedding, then,” the Master suggested. “I’d hate to ruin a perfectly good wedding.”

“You mean like Thete’s father almost did to ours?” the Rani asked.

“Let’s… let’s not bring him up,” the Doctor said. “He’s a cunt, and we all know that. Besides, he couldn’t have stopped me marrying you two if he brought the whole High Council and Rassilon himself to try.”

“You three are literally the sweetest and sappiest marriage.” Adam smiled, genuinely this time. Much softer, he added, “I’m really glad you’re my family.”

“And we’ve never been more glad to have a son as brilliant as you,” the Rani replied, kissing the top of his head so that her lipstick wouldn’t get on his face. The Master had to lift her up so that she could.

At that, a young, high-pitched voice yelled, “ **[REDACTED]** !” and ran towards them. Adam very visibly flinched at the word, but opened his arms to the incoming person. “IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BIG- oh.”

The person dropped out of his arms, and looked at his suit very pointedly. “Hi, Sarah.” He said, already sounding exhausted.

“Why-?”

There was an obvious question on her lips and smeared across her face, which only got more obvious as she looked at the poly parents as well.

“Is there a problem with my  _ son _ ?” the Rani asked coolly, putting a bit of forceful emphasis on the word ‘son’, as if she was daring someone to correct her. “I’m not quite sure who you thought he was, but his name certainly isn’t **[REDACTED]** .”

“Oh- oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were- see, I have this older sister-” The Rani stiffened, and the Master’s upper lip curled.

“Sarah, it’s me. I, uhh, I’m- not a girl. I- my name’s Adam now.”

She gave Adam that Look, the one that most Mormons get when someone comes out - the thinly veiled disgust and hate and pity. “Oh. Right.”

“I’ll ask you this again, Miss Ridley. Is there a problem with my son?” the Rani asked, her voice cold enough to freeze over the entirety of Salt Lake City. 

“N- no. No, no, of course not, I have a friend that’s gay.” She said hurriedly. “It’s just that, y’know, this might not have been the time-” The Master let out a low growl, but the Doctor reached over and squeezed his arm lightly.

“Not yet,” they whispered.

“Sarah, I am never wearing a dress around people that think I’m a girl again.” He blurted out. “I- I’m not doing that to myself again. Besides, everyone here is too focused on Jade to give a shit about me right now.”

“ **[RED-]** , I mean, Adam, we both know that’s a lie. Dad would never let something like-” She motioned again to his suit- “this go.”

“If you have a problem with our  _ son _ , Miss Ridley, just spit it out rather than beating around the bush and trying to claim the moral high ground!” the Master snapped through gritted teeth. “He’s here to support his cousin, not to be misgendered and deadnamed by someone who is  _ supposed _ to be his  _ family _ !”

“Pops.” Adam squeaked, throwing an arm in front of Sarah anyways. “Pops, it- it’s fine.” 

“It’s  _ not _ fine, Adam,” the Master said, his temper cooling slightly as he turned to his son. “I’m not letting this slide.”

“Quite honestly, this is better than anything I could have hoped for.” He finished in a whisper. “And, I- I don’t mean to be rude, but if you can’t let this go, then it’s going to be a very long day.”

“It just means my kill list gets longer,” the Master muttered darkly. “Now I can put faces to the names.”

Leaning forward towards his parents, he said, “I didn’t come here because I really wanted them to accept me in all ways. I just want them to know, and give them that chance to make themselves better people. I just- don’t-” He sighed, running out of words. “Don’t stress about it. If they do anything remotely like Sarah, I’m counting it as a win.”

“I’ll try and keep them calm, Adam,” the Doctor promised quietly. “We’re still sticking to the plan.  _ After _ the wedding, not before or during.”

“Thank you.” He said quietly. “And- I mean- I don’t think I wanna come out right now? Because I think they’re going to call it ‘me trying to steal the spotlight’, so maybe can we hold off on the aggressive support until tomorrow at dinner? I love you so much and having your support means the goshdarn world to me, but I- I panic, you know?”

“I’ll stomach it, but I won’t like it,” the Rani replied. The Master muttered assent. “If one of them gives you shit though, I’m ripping their throat out.”

“Violent, but valid.” He grinned - or maybe grimaced, the two seemed to take on similar meanings around Mormons - and turned back to Sarah. “Look, I’m not gonna tell everyone else about, y’know, until dinner tomorrow night. So, just- go off like you normally would, okay?”

At her nod, a distinctly familiar voice to Adam called out, “Sarah? I thought you were getting  **[REDACTED]** .”

With a deep sigh and a set to his shoulders, Adam turned around. “Hi, Mom.”

An elegantly dressed woman, just as blonde as Adam himself but much shorter, pulled him down into a hug with a cold sort of air over him. As she let him go, she narrowed her eyes at the poly parents and asked, “ **[REDACTED]** , who are these three?”

“Uhh…” Adam whipped his head around to look at them, obviously starting to panic. The Master raised a questioning eyebrow, silently asking Adam if it was time. Panicking, he shook his head, begging with every fiber of his being for his parents to  _ be chill, [b]lease _ .

“Harold Saxon,” the Master said instead. “Prime Minister of Great Britain.” He gestured to the Rani. “My wife, Regina…” She inclined her head politely, and he gestured to the Doctor. “And our husband, John.”

“I’m afraid we don’t know your names, however,” the Rani continued smoothly, drawing on every ounce of her courtly mannerisms to keep her emotions masked. Adam could almost see the queenly facade over her normal features.

Adam’s mom gave them a sickly sweet and obviously fake grin. “Patience, Patience Ridley. I’m the aunt of the bride. I think I must have misheard you, did you say  _ our _ husband?”

“I did,” the Master confirmed. “If you missed that news bulletin, despite it going international, I passed a bit of legislation around the beginning of my term to legalise  _ consenting _ polygamy, given that I was so taken with  _ two _ people.”

There was a silent look on her face, one that any Mormon or ex-Mormon would translate as “:))))) I don’t know what kind of FLDS blue spaghetti this is, but we don’t do that anymore honey :))))”. Adam gave her a slightly warning look, as if begging her to not do that right now. “Anyways. What do your… partners do? I assume you’re not all politicians.”

“No, despite having political knowledge, Harry’s the only one that went into a career for it,” the Doctor replied. “I’m a doctor at Royal Hope Hospital, in London.”

“And I do mostly-classified work as a biochemist for the Unified Intelligence Taskforce,” the Rani added. “Before that, I did a bit of work as a chemistry teacher at Coal Hill School, and actually assisted them in choosing my replacement after I was offered the biochemist position.”

Patience nodded, and then gave a gasp. “Oh,  **[REDACTED]** , here comes Jade and Ezekiel! Come, we have to say hello before we go inside!” She glanced at his obvious lack of luggage, and asked, “Where’s your temple clothes?”

Adam gave an awkward laugh. “Mom, uhh… my temple recommend expired. I didn’t get enough warning to get it renewed before coming down here.”

She frowned deeply. “ **[REDACTED]** , I thought you would be more excited to come inside. It’s the first time you’d be able to see a temple wedding.” She sighed, and grabbed his hand. “Oh well, we can’t change it now. Come on, I want you to say hello. And why’d you have to wear a suit, everyone here knows-”

“AUNT  **[REDACTED]** !” Two others yelled, tackling Adam and nearly knocking him off-balance.

He laughed shakily, ruffling their hair. “Gen, Meg, it’s good to see you two again.” Beaming, he turned to the polys. “This is Imogen, she/her, and Meg, she/her. They’re my baby cousins.”

“Only a six-year difference,  **[AFFECTIONATE NICKNAME]** .” Meg said, elbowing him in the ribs teasingly.

“Regina,” the Rani introduced herself. “That’s Harry and John.” She gestured over her shoulder to her spouses, who were bickering quietly in Gallifreyan. At the sound of their aliases, they turned and waved slightly.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Imogen said, quietly shaking her hand.

“How do you know our aunt?” Meg asked, grinning crookedly.

“They, uhh, came to my college.” Adam lied through his teeth. “I- it was, uhh-”

“To discuss your application for the internship,” the Master finished, smiling broadly. “Your…” he hesitated for a split second, forcing the word out to avoid making things worse for Adam, “aunt, here, is easily one of the best interns we’ve had at Downing Street in many, many years.”

“Yep. All that time writing cheesy poetry in my bedroom, gave me a pretty rad words per minute.”

“And you make damn good coffee.”

He grinned forcedly, and coughed into his fist, “Language.”

“If you’re that good now, I imagine I can talk to Stewart about finding you a place with some of her new desk jobs,” the Rani continued smoothly. “Once your internship expires, of course. But working for UNIT, I imagine, would be quite beneficial for you.”

There was a look on Adam’s face that said quite clearly that he wasn’t sure if the Rani was being serious or just playing along. She was, however, completely serious. If her son wanted to work with UNIT, she would ensure that he got one. It just might take her paying for a few dinners with Kate ‘Make UNIT Gay Again’ Stewart. “Anyways, come on!” Imogen said, tugging at Adam’s hand. “Arthur ‘n Conan haven’t seen you in years, they’ve been bugging me the entire time about when you were going to arrive.”

“Would you prefer we waited out here?” the Rani asked quietly, so only Adam could really hear.

“You mean, outside of the temple itself? Yeah, we’re all gonna have to do that. But, I mean, you’re- my parents. And I’d much rather you come with me onto the grounds, if that’s okay. My family’s never been very…  _ good _ at respecting that it takes me a while to- get my thoughts out when I’m anxious, and I- if you’re there, y’know, at least there’s- less anxiety. Y’know?”

“Then we’ll stay with you,” she promised, squeezing his hand lightly. 

“Thank you.” He said, before Imogen tugged harder and he had to go running after her. Two other men, in identical suits, grinned and pulled him into an embrace. “ **[REDACTED]** , what are you doing in a suit?” One laughed, and then shook his head. “Never been one for dresses, have you?”

“Nope.” Adam said, shaking his head and shaking the men’s hands. “It’s good to see you two again.”

“Yeah, you too. Nephi’s been out of his goshdarn mind waiting for you to show up.”

Adam let out a sudden gasp, and his eyes widened. “Right. My siblings…” The Rani’s upper lip curled, just barely noticeable, before she took a slow breath and relaxed her expression to her regal facade.

As if on cue, two other tall figures in suits came over and tackle-hugged Adam, one latching onto his back and clinging around his chest, the other just laughing. Adam snorted too, and straightened, throwing the other off. “Hey Nephi, Sam.” 

“Little sister! We haven’t heard anything from you, why haven’t you come back home for the holidays?” 

“Uhh, internship. Top secret. Couldn’t take time off.” Behind them, the Master pulled a pack of gum out of the Doctor’s back pocket, popped a piece into his mouth, and then put the pack back. Adam grinned, and said, “This is my boss, Harold Saxon, Prime Minister-”

“You’re the guy who legalized polygamy!” Sam exclaimed, with a look that didn’t seem as enthused as before.

“True love shouldn’t be criminalised,” the Master replied with a shrug. 

“But stealing my gum should be,” the Doctor muttered in Gallifreyan.

“Ushas steals cigars, I steal chewing gum. Who’s the real villain here?” the Master retorted, before he switched back to English. His hand was still in the Doctor’s back pocket. “Anyhow, yes, I’m the one who decriminalised everything LGBT+.”

“Big step for equality.” Adam said, looking at his father with a poorly hidden smile.

“As it should have always been,” the Master agreed. His wrist twitched slightly, and the Doctor bit back a yelp.

Before any Mormon could say something asshole-like, the bride and groom came down the sidewalk, toward the entrance to the temple. The family went up in squeals and grins, rushing to meet them. Adam sighed.

“If you could kindly not grope our husband in public, my love…” the Rani prompted under her breath.

“For Nutella’s sake, you two.” Adam mumbled, looking away. The Rani let out an undignified snort and raised a single eyebrow at the Master, who stuck out his tongue as he returned his hands to his own pockets.

“So. Good news, we don’t have to do the full cult circuit. The circult, if you will. Bad news, we’re basically on babysitting duty.” 

“Well, lucky for you, poppet, I happen to be  _ very _ good with children,” she pointed out. 

“As for ‘circult’, I might use that,” the Master chimed in. 

Adam laughed. “Glad I could be of some help.”

“You often are, my dear son,” the Rani replied.

He grinned. “Maybe so.”

At the same time, his older brothers returned, both holding plain bags. “So? Where’s your temple clothes?”

“D-don’t have them.” He answered honestly. “My temp-temple recommend expired a few months ago, and I guess my papers never transferred over, so I didn’t have a chance to renew it before getting here.”

Sam nodded, and both brothers looked disappointed. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay with the kids? I know this would be the first time-”

“Nephi, it’s fine. Seriously.”

“We’re more than willing to help,” the Rani added. “I’ve raised five children from birth, and just recently adopted four orphans.”

Patience, who must have been listening in on the conversation, nodded. “My cousin had nearly 6.” She smiled, not really meaning it. “I used to help her when  **[REDACTED]** and her brothers were toddlers.”

“Before I had my own children, I helped my elder sister and her wife raise their three children,” the Rani continued. Patience’s eye twitched. 

“She even taught my brothers a few tricks,” the Doctor added, hands in their pockets. 

“Of course. Gotta make sure the men know what to do, otherwise they’d be calling us every two seconds!” She laughed, looking for the Rani to laugh along. The Rani didn’t laugh. 

“Had my brother not been murdered,  _ he _ was the one who was more prepared for parenthood than his fiancee,” she said, and although her expression remained calm, there was a certain iciness to her tone. “And I’m confident in the thought that, had they had children, they  _ both _ would have been excellent parents and raised perfectly happy and healthy children, both mentally and physically.”

Patience was saved from the indignity of staring awkwardly for several seconds before awkwardly blurting out “How about that weather?” by the bride squeezing her hands excitedly. “Aunt Patience, I’m getting married!!” 

“On behalf of the United Kingdom, you have my sincerest congratulations,” the Master said smoothly. His voice was beginning to take on a mildly hypnotic tone. Adam, being slightly more used to his father trying to hypnotize anyone nearby, subtly but frantically shook his head. Jade just smiled, and said, “Oh, you’re the Prime Minister! Whyyyy are you at my wedding?”

“I was invited to accompany my intern and dear friend,” the Master said, and at least he was halfway telling the truth this time.

Adam gave a small wave, and Jade squinted at him before breaking into a smile. “ **[REDACTED]** , is that you? Oh my gosh, you look so different!”

She grabbed him in a hug, and he laughed. “Congratulations, Jade. I’m really happy for you.”

“Your flower clips are so cute!”

He laughed. “Thanks.”

“Zeke, come here! This is  **[REDACTED]** , the cousin I was telling you about!”

The groom, a somewhat ruffled but still warm-looking man with close-cropped brown hair, shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Jade talks a lot about you and your art.”

Adam laughed, flustered. “Uhh, thanks.”

“My s-” the Rani started, quickly cutting herself off and restarting the entire sentence. Rather than praising her son, she could at least show off a bit more. “My husband did have an idea, by the way,” she said instead, looking at Adam. “Opening a separate account for your internship money and saving it up for you to take those new art classes you mentioned?”

Adam made a noise very similar to a dog’s squeaky toy. “Are- are you serious?”

“Completely,” she replied, smiling. “Harry  _ did _ mention how well the internship is paying, didn’t he?” In fact, since the internship was complete bullshit, the Rani was just going to pay for the classes herself, seeing as she’d opened a bank account in the 70s when she first worked for UNIT and left her money there. It wasn’t as though she’d  _ needed _ it.

With a very soft, somewhat over-dramatic voice, Adam said, “I didn’t know I was getting paid.”

“Why wouldn’t you be?” the Master asked. “You’re easily better than any other intern I’ve had.”

“That’s the nicest goshdarn thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

While this side conversation had occurred, the bride and groom had already entered the temple doors, and most adults were doing the same.

“You’re making about…” he paused, thinking, “£19.58 an hour, thereabouts.”

“Crispy Ritz crackers.” He mumbled. “That’s a lot of pounds.”

“Around here, that’s about $25.85 an hour,” the Doctor murmured in his ear.

“I, uhh, stand by my original statement. Not- not the Ritz crackers part, but, the, uhh, many moneys part.” The Doctor ruffled his hair, laughing.

One of the toddlers, a kid who Adam hadn’t seen in years and didn’t remember the name of, grabbed Adam’s legs and said, “What’re you taaaaaalking about?”

“Your cousin just got a surprise, that’s all,” the Rani explained gently, crouching down to be eye level with the child.

“What kiiiiiind of surprise?”

“One that was very well deserved.”

The kid nodded, and ran back to the large group of toddlers by the planter. Adam gave a relieved sigh, and leaned back onto another large planter. “At least everyone who gives a, uhh, butt nugget about my gender and suit are gone.”

“Anyone who says something about it can choke,” the Rani said, her voice still as sugary-sweet as it had been a moment ago with the child.

“Mom, everyone here is a child at this point. And I’m pretty sure that includes us, too.”

“I haven’t been a child in over two millennia, dear.”

“Okay, so maybe you’re the only exception here.”

He gave his dads a teasing smile.

“Well, I  _ am _ the eldest of the three of us,” she pointed out.

“Barely!” the Master protested.

“And you literally can’t keep your hands off your spouses, plus the Doctor’s the Doctor. I love you three dearly, you’re the best parents I ever could have asked for, but quite frankly, we’re all being babysat.”

“I believe the humans have a term for you, Koschei dearest.”

“And what might that be?”

“ _ Thirsty on main _ , if I remember correctly.”

Adam doubled over, full-on cackling for probably the first time that day. “ _ Yeah _ .”

“At least none of the kids have walked in on us,” the Master protested.

“Only because I keep our bedroom door locked and soundproofed,” the Rani pointed out, sticking her tongue out. The Master leaned forward and bit the tip of her tongue.

“One, we also try very hard to avoid your room at night for that exact fear. Two, Pops, you’re literally only proving our point.” The Master muttered something in Gallifreyan that had the Doctor flushing beet red and the Rani fighting back a laugh.

“Oh boy.” Adam muttered, fighting a grin as well. “Can you at least chill until you can like, sneak out at night or something? Please don’t leave me alone with these kids, there’s a lot of them.”

“I… uh…” the Doctor trailed off. “I think I need to sit down.” They sat on the edge of a planter, and promptly fell in. The Rani doubled over laughing, and the Master clutched his sides before he fell over from laughing.

“Dad, are- are you okay?” He laughed, taking a seat by him.

“Bit dizzy, son,” they replied.

“Cheese and crackers, what- do I want to know what he said?”

“Let’s just say that the blood is no longer going to my  _ head _ ,” they mumbled.

“I mean, I sorta guessed that one, but like, are you okay?”

“It could be worse. When we were at the Academy, he caught me off-guard with that so badly that I fell into a fountain.”

Adam grinned. “I had someone suddenly confess their love to me at BYU one day and I tripped over my _tied_ _shoelaces_ and almost broke my nose.”

“Ushas tripped down a flight of stairs and cracked a rib because I accidentally projected what Theta and I were doing through the link,” the Master admitted.

“The first and only time I was on a dating app, this girl I was trying to chat with just casually mentioned she, like, had a sex life - which is totally unheard of to tiny, just barely ex-Mormon me, and I panicked, yelled “I GOTTA GO” to an empty room, and deleted the app.”

“Didn’t you give her an attack trying to hit on her in a mineshaft?” the Doctor pointed out. 

“Look- I-  _ mistakes were made _ ,” the Master protested.

“I love you both, but you keep trying to  _ kill _ me,” the Rani whined dramatically.

“How rude.” Adam grinned, and then immediately ran off to try and keep one of the kids from eating dirt. 


	14. The First Dinner

Adam pulled the chair out awkwardly, and immediately Nephi was by his side, pushing it in for him teasingly. “Gotta be a gentleman for my little sister.”

Adam, very pointedly still dressed in a button down shirt, slacks, and with his hair pulled back into a neat braid (which the Rani had braided), grin-grimaced. “Thanks.” The Rani was waiting outside, having changed into a simple form-fitting lavender summer dress. Her hair was in an elegant braid, with pieces braided at the top to form a sort of crown, and she’d put on white wedges to go with the dress. The Doctor was wearing a blue button-up and khakis, because clearly they had no idea what fashion was, and the Master was in a black button-up and black slacks. They could almost pass as humans, now. Adam, subtly pulling out his phone under the table, shot them a quick text to double-check that they had the address.

_ Yes, son, for the third time now, _ the Master texted back.  _ We’re outside. _

_ sorry, just triple-checking. _

Awkwardly standing up, he said, “Just- making sure Mr. Saxon and his spouses know where we’re seated.” At that moment, the three Time Lords walked inside, barely even recognisable as the same people from earlier. They’d put on minor perception filters to dodge the press, so that played a major part in it. “Oh.” Adam said softly. “Never mind then. Heya.” The Rani waved slightly as they made their way over to the table.

Patience gave Adam a rather impatient smile. “I didn’t know you were bringing your employer and his… partners.”

“Mom, I very specifically told you and you acknowledged me directly.”

“If it’s a problem with paying for us, it’s not a problem, Mrs. Ridley,” the Rani said, sounding so fake that the Doctor smothered a snort. “My husband is more than capable of paying for our meals separately.”

“Of course it’s no trouble, I just- must have forgotten.” She gave a little laugh, and her husband pushed in her chair. The Master pushed in both the Doctor and the Rani’s chairs before sitting down himself.

Adam’s blood father, an individual much less concerned with social graces and appearing not as aggressive as others, frowned as he sat down. “I thought this was supposed to be a family dinner.”

“And you also said to invite the important people in my life. And right now, my boss and his spouses have been very important to me, especially regarding my housing situation and making sure I didn’t work myself to death.” He bit his lip to keep himself from pointed out that they’d never done that for him.

“If you’re concerned with your child becoming a part of my ‘harem’, I can assure you that that’s not the case,” the Master deadpanned.

Joseph stuttered, thrown off-guard. “I trust my daughter to not do anything against her beliefs. No offence.”

“None taken, although I do wonder how someone’s beliefs could go against one’s truest emotions,” the Master commented, his tone entirely passive.

“Well, of course, we can’t change other people’s actions. But that doesn’t mean we have to encourage them.” He gave Adam a very pointed look.

“That’s rather why my partners and I walked away from the faith our parents held,” the Master continued. “Their leader was of the opinion that anything deviating from his ‘vision’ was something worth demonising. Anyone who disobeyed him was punished harshly. After my wife was nearly killed by one such punishment, we broke ties with that following and made our own way.”

Joseph nodded. “Well, we’re all certainly glad you recovered.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Adam mumbled softly, looking over at his valid mother.

“Well, that leader was about to start a war that he wasn’t prepared to win anyhow,” the Rani added. “He was willing to torture as many ‘heretics’ as he has to in order to gain ‘soldiers’ for his war. He put millions of lives at risk for the sake of his own ego.” 

“Not to mention that stunt he pulled with forcing children to learn his way, and only his way, and ripping them from their families if necessary,” the Doctor added. “Honestly, it’s like he was forming a cult.”

Adam, in a very Hartley-like motion, leaned over and bopped his forehead against the Rani’s arm in support. “Yeah, it- it wasn’t good. From what they’ve told me. I’m always really glad that you’re out and away from there.”

“Yeah, so am I,” the Rani replied gently. “Especially after he tried to dictate how many children we were supposed to have. If we couldn’t have as many as he wanted, he would accuse us of infidelity, or being unworthy, other nonsense like that.”

Joseph nodded. “I’m very sorry for your experience.”

Adam found it goddamn hilarious that he didn’t pick up what his parents were putting down.

“Yes, it was even more tragic when my cousin changed from a girl to a boy,” the Doctor said. “They tormented him for months on end, trying to force him to change  _ back _ , and then, when he wouldn’t comply, they killed him. They denied it later, of course, as they always do, but we all knew the truth. They’d killed him for not obeying without question.” The story was partially true. They’d killed the Doctor’s cousin after triggering a regeneration that affected his gender, and had tortured him for not complying with the soldier program. But, having known other Gallifreyans who  _ were _ killed for not being the ‘right’ gender, it wasn’t difficult to blend the stories for their own means.

Joseph and his wife squirmed. “That’s- certainly terrible. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Adam quietly clenched his fists. Sarah broke the silence by exclaiming, “Hey, they’ve got pot stickers!” The Doctor started chattering about the time they’d had pot stickers in China. Adam grabbed the menu and held it up over his face, and took several deep breaths. The Doctor, caught up in hearing themself talk, mentioned having pot stickers with the Emperor. Adam twitched in anxiety, and clenched the menu tighter. Thankfully, other people appeared to be politely ignoring them, and no one mentioned it.

“Oh, and I played tiddlywinks with the tsarina a few times too!” they continued, not a care in the world. “And helped Lenin find better pyjamas.”

“Doctor, I am begging you.” Adam hissed, glancing at them in genuine fear.

“It’s not like they’re listening to me,” they said dismissively. “I could tell them about how I shagged Good Queen Bess, nobody’d even notice.”

“Yeah, but still. Someone else could be listening.”

“Nobody is.”

Adam shook his head mildly, but grinned anyways. Joseph raised an eyebrow at the two, but mercifully stayed silent. “So.” Sam started, leaning forward on his elbows to grin at Adam. “Meet any guys recently?”

He laughed. “Bold of you to assume I can talk to people, much less start a relationship.” The Rani snorted with laughter. 

“That doesn’t answer his question.” Joseph butted in, frowning. The Rani’s eyes narrowed.

Adam also frowned, clenching his fists tighter around the menu. “No, Dad, I haven’t met a guy, much less one I plan on getting married to.”

“I’m not sure why you’d be judging your child’s worth on finding a spouse, however,” the Master said calmly.

“Oh, Mr. Saxon, I’m in my 20s, the fact that I’m not married is a goshdarn crime.” He said, uncharacteristically sarcastic and bitter. Joseph’s frown grew, and Patience narrowed her eyes. 

“So? I was… well into my adult years when I got married,” the Rani said carefully. “And I’m the eldest of my spouses.”

“Mormon culture. Get married fast, make lots of babies for God’s children to inhabit.”

“That’s an oversimplification-” Joseph interrupted, only to be interrupted himself.

“No, it’s just taking away the flowery language.”

“Sounds like what Rassilon would say,” the Rani muttered.

The conversation ceased for several minutes as the waiter came over to take their orders, and stayed mostly silent afterwards. Adam bounced his leg, frowning around. At least the silence meant no one was prying into his life, or that of his parents. The Time Lords all ordered the same pasta dish, though their physical silence only meant that they were shouting to each other mentally, likely about how shitty Mormons were.

“So, what’s politics like?” Sarah asked, awkwardly glancing at the Master. “Like, as a lifestyle. Being involved literally 24/7.”

“It can be incredibly stressful,” he answered honestly. “The sheer amount of paperwork that has to be done before any sort of change can be enacted is ridiculous, but, all in all, worth it in the end. Provided you can stay out of the political games, you can actually make quite a bit of a difference.”

“I… kinda want to get involved when I’m older. Make things better. But I- people around me keep saying it… that I wouldn’t make a difference.”

“Anyone can make a difference,” he said. 

“In politics, though?” Patience snorted, casually not catching their eyes. 

“Yes, in  _ politics _ ,” the Master replied coolly. “In the three years since my election, I’ve made a massive difference in the UK. I don’t imagine that America is so twisted as to be  _ that _ different. If politicians are wholly ineffective, then there would be no need for elections, because your country would be fast becoming a dictatorship. And then you’d be no better than all those people you’ve gone to war with over the years.”

Sarah nodded softly, a quiet smile forming on her face. “Hey, lil’ sis.” Adam said, reaching over to pap the top of her head. “If I managed to hook an internship with a politician I’d never met before, you can do any god-ssssh darn thing you want to.”

She rolled her eyes and lightly smacked his hand away, but her smile grew anyways.

“If this is what you want, I can make a few calls,” the Master offered. “I do have a few friends in high places, even in America.”

“Really?” She asked, sitting up and literally beaming. “I- that would be amazing, thank you!” 

Adam grinned. “Mr. Saxon, Prime Minister, patron saint of broke Ridleys who want jobs?”

“Senator Pollard, I believe, is in need of a new intern,” he said. “She’s an old friend of mine.” 

“Oh, she’s running in New Jersey!” She said excitedly, turning to smile at her family. “She’s got a really good platform, I support her a lot-”

“Isn’t she the one who’s advocating for transgender rights?” Nephi asked, raising an eyebrow.

She and Adam exchanged an anxious and not at all suspicious glance, and she continued hesitantly, “Yes. And- really, what she’s doing is making it safer for everyone to exist and not be discriminated against.”

“Oh, Charley went into politics?” the Doctor asked, grinning. “Good for her. I’ve always been proud of her. We’ll have to visit her!” 

“Oh, definitely,” the Rani agreed. “Perhaps you’d like to join us and submit your application for the internship in person, Sarah?”

“Actually, that would be great!” She giggled.

“Well, we’ll be leaving after this weekend,” the Master said. 

“Uh, I can- try and put it together quickly? Um, but, yes, that would be amazing.”

“I’d be happy to help you.”

“Sarah, are you sure you have the time? I thought you were babysitting for the Rodgers.” Patience asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“No, they ended up not going on their trip this week. And besides, Nephi could do it, he’s off work.”

As the others spoke, the Rani turned to Adam, signing something in ASL.  _ You remember Spider-Man, yes? The recent ones, with Holland. _

_ Yeah, why? _

_ I was thinking. If I cannot adopt everyone in need, perhaps I could be as Tony Stark was to Peter. A mentor, and in your sister’s case, offering any financial aid necessary. Clearly the aid will not come from your birth family. _

Adam grinned, and nodded.  _ Mom, that would be great.  _

_ You seem close to her. I don’t wish to see people you care for living _ … She paused for a moment, trying to remember the sign she needed. _ …unhappy lives. _

_ I wasn’t really close to any of them after my mission, but she’s been the most progressive of them and I guess… I just trust her. _

_ I think she aligns with you in the sense that she disagrees with your family and fears to say something. _

_ Yeah, I get the feeling we’re both the only gay ones here. At least, the only ones who might stand a chance of leaving the cult.  _

_ I wish I could get you both out properly. No records. _

He smiled sadly at her.  _ It wouldn’t change the past, Mom.  _

_ If I could, I would. _

_ I know. _

Quietly, he leaned his head against her shoulder, trying to get across his feelings. She smiled faintly, already plotting how to hack into the records and remove everyone she needed to. One major crime (planned, anyway) was enough for the month, but hacking didn’t count, right? 


	15. Sunday Morning

Adam straightened his tie for about the third time in a minute, and sighed. “I- I’m sorry I’m being like this, Dad, I’m just- hhhhhh.”

“I was the same way every time I had to return home,” they admitted, holding up two ties to the blue fabric of their suit. “Which one, d’you think?” One of the ties was grey, the other a muted red.

“Uhh, probably red. If someone asks, you can say it’s to represent the blood that Christ shed for you or some shit like that.”

“Or I can bullshit as little as possible and say I just like the colour?” They snorted. “I don’t exactly look like the uber-religious type, son.”

“That’s fair. Sorry. You may not have noticed, but I am slightly anxious about this.” He joked weakly.

“We’d never have guessed,” the Master joked. He was still stretched out on the bed, having decided that the Doctor was the only one who could safely accompany Adam. They were least likely to kill someone. “Seriously, Adam, just take a deep breath. It’s going to be fine.”

“I take it you two are going to retreat to the TARDIS for a bit while I’m with Adam?” the Doctor asked. The Master just nodded, brushing a bit of hair out of the still-sleeping Rani’s face.

“Well, thank you for at least not doing it in my parent’s house.” Adam muttered, messing with his hair.

“I’d sooner burn this place down than have sex here,” the Master replied.

Adam laughed. “Think I’ll be kicked out for putting flowers in my hair?”

“If they kick you out, they can kick me out too,” the Doctor said. “I want to wear a flower crown too. Father-son solidarity.”

“I have some flower hair pins, if you wanna borrow them?” They nodded, grinning. Walking back to the dresser in the room adjoining the poly’s room, he grabbed the collection and headed back to the Doctor. “Take your pick.” The Doctor picked a purple and a red clip.

Slowly, Adam started the process of inserting the rest of the clips in a way that didn’t make it look like he was just putting them in for the hell of it and also to make his gender seem that much more ambiguous.

“You are so ridiculously gay,” the Master teased.

“I mean, you’re right, but why?” the Doctor asked.

“Because you intentionally picked your spouses’ favourite colours for flower clips,” he said, laughing.

“Yeah, well, you’re coming with in spirit,” they replied, grinning.

“You’re such nerds.” Adam laughed.

There was a light knock at the door, and Sarah called out, “Hey, Dad says he’s leaving in 15 minutes.”

“Thanks, Sar.” He returned, and checked himself again in the mirror. Frowning, he adjusted his hair again, and started anxiously braiding a strand of hair down the side of his face.

“Padawan braid?” the Doctor asked.

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Come along, then, young Skywalker,” they deadpanned.

“Good luck, you two,” the Rani called sleepily.

“Thanks, Mom.” He finger-gunned at the two in bed. “I- I’m gonna see if there’s any food I can steal.”

“If you come back and we’re not here yet, I’m probably still hammering your mother like a bent nail,” the Master deadpanned. The Rani elbowed him sharply.

“Real glad to hear that from my parents.” He squeaked, scooting out the door quickly.

“Could be worse,” the Doctor said. “I came back one day to a particularly rough BDSM session and had no idea what was going on.”

“ _Why_.”

“I hadn’t slept in four days,” they said with a shrug, following Adam outside. The Master picked up his spare vortex manipulator and used it to bring the Rani back to the TARDIS for a few hours.

“See, on the one hand, really funny that we’re talking about the most taboo topics on a Sunday in my parent’s home, but also, slightly panicking that they’ll hear it.” 

“I could always wipe the last few minutes of their memories, if it came to that,” the Doctor pointed out. 

“I forget that’s a thing. Uhh, yeah, if worse comes to worst, let’s, uhh, do that.”

“And if your mother loses her temper at dinner tonight, should I do that too?”

“No, no. Whatever happens at dinner tonight happens. They- they have to know. Even if they don’t like it, they should know what they did and why I left.” They ruffled his hair gently, which was no easy task when he was practically a head taller than them. He snorted, and started rummaging through the kitchen pantry.

“Just eating?” Patience asked, frowning slightly.

“Yeah.” He said, avoiding her eyes.

“And why are you wearing a suit again? It’s church.”

“And I’m in my sunday best.” He returned as best he could, hands shaking slightly.

“Dresses aren’t for everyone,” the Doctor said with a shrug. “My eldest hated dresses.”

“Yes, well, it’s generally assumed that women wear dresses to our church, regardless of how they feel about them.”

“Mom, I’ve always gone against the rules.” He mumbled, still loud enough for her to hear.

“No, you haven’t. But I suppose it’s too late for you to change, we have to leave soon.” She heaved a dramatic sigh. “At least you have your hair down.” Adam neglected to mention that was only so he could mess with it to help his anxiety. The Doctor managed to hide their disgust at Patience.

Moving quickly and shakily, Adam started grabbing some of the granola stuck in the pantry and the milk from the fridge. Not backing down from his mother was startling, and both encouraging and terrifying. “Are your partners coming with you, Mr. Saxon?” Patience asked the Doctor.

“I’m afraid not, Mrs. Ridley,” they replied. “Regina wasn’t feeling well, so she’s staying behind with Harry to rest.”

“Ah. Well, I certainly hope she’s feeling better when we have dinner tonight.” She nodded, and left to go check on Nephi and Sam.

“Oh, I’m sure she will be.” _Seeing as they knew exactly what their spouses were up to…_

Adam grinned. “Can’t tell you how many times someone’s used the ‘I’m sick’ excuse to get out of church in this house.”

“I used to use it to get out of classes all the time,” they said, laughing.

“That’s valid.”

Sarah entered the room, grabbing a breakfast bar quickly and straightening her dress. “Do I look okay?” She asked, looking Adam in the eyes.

“Yeah, Sar, you look fine.” He nodded, quickly eating as much of his breakfast as he could.

“Careful, before you make yourself sick,” the Doctor chided.

“I’ll be fine, I speedeat all the time.” He shrugged. “Didn’t wake up early enough or, like, have the motivation to get to classes a lot of mornings in college so I’d have to either skip breakfast or eat he-cka fast.” He’d awkwardly paused in the middle of “hella”, glanced at Sarah, and then awkwardly continued.

“Regardless, slow down a bit, please,” they said, ruffling his hair again. “You’re not my _dad_.” He teased, sticking his tongue out, but slowed down anyways. They just laughed and pulled an orange out of their pocket to eat.

“Please tell me you’re at least going to skin that before eating it.” Adam said, raising an eyebrow.

“You mean, there’s a chance they wouldn’t?” Sarah asked, grinning.

“Eats enough weird stuff, it’s not too far-fetched.” The Doctor paused, the still-unpeeled orange halfway to their lips. “This. This is what I mean.”

“Don’t call me out like this,” they said, taking a large bite of the orange.

“I’m moving out.” He joked, pretending to stand up. They flicked a piece of peel at him. He squeaked, and raised his hands to protect his face. He grinned at them, and Sarah laughed. They finished eating their orange, laughing as well. “Do your spouses know you commit this crime?” Adam asked, actually standing up and moving his dishes to the sink. “Or do they live in innocent bliss?”

“I once witnessed Regina eat a banana with the entire peel intact because she was sleep-deprived,” they said. “I don’t think she knows what she did.”

“Oh my gosh.” He laughed, eyes crinkling. “All of you need Jesus.”

“Good thing we’re going to church.” Sarah laughed as well, spotting Joseph coming down the stairs. “Come on, it’s time to get in the car and get moving.” The Doctor nodded and followed Adam to the car.


	16. A Trip to Church

After a roughly 20 minute car ride, full of people squished into a minivan and hymns played on a CD, the car pulled into the parking lot and the assembled Ridleys exited. They made their way into the chapel, and took a seat near the front and to the right of the pulpit. As soon as they entered the building, Adam’s hands had gone clammy, and he’d grabbed onto his suit very tightly. The Doctor reached over and squeezed his arm lightly.

“I’m here, remember? I’m right here, Adam.”

“I know, I know, but we’re also  _ here _ .” He gestured as subtly as he could to the room around them, and sighed. “I never wanted to be back here. And I knew I was going to, but I- I thought I’d be more okay, and that’s  _ bothering me. _ ”

“Do you want me to sneak you out?”

“N- no, no, that would make them m-more suspicious and it would-wouldn’t help at all.” He stuttered, taking a deep breath. “Just- don’t leave.”

“I would never leave you,” they promised.

“Thanks, Dad.” He signed softly, smiling thinly as the bishop stood and started the meeting. The Doctor did their best to keep Adam occupied and not too focused on where they were. That was like a literal godsend (ha), having someone to talk to (or sign to) who wouldn’t be an ass about him not paying attention to the same people saying the same things over and over again. The Doctor ended up subtly signing Adam the entire plot of  _ Sweeney Todd _ . Given that Adam had somewhat awkwardly caught Hartley dramatically lifting up a pie in the middle of the night and cackling, it’d given him some degree of insight into what was so funny. By the time the meeting ended, he was slightly more relaxed, but still decidedly uncomfortable. As soon as the prayer ended, he signed to the Doctor, “We can ditch a lot easier now. There’s a couple of benches outside that no one goes by where I used to hide out, if that’s okay.”

“Then let’s go,” they agreed.

Moving as subtly as two 6+ foot tall adults with flowers in their hair could, the two snuck out to behind the church building and collapsed on the benches. Adam sprawled out on one, heaving a sigh. “Everything sucks and I hate it.”

“Do you want to sneak back to the TARDIS and sit in the Zero Room for a few minutes?” the Doctor suggested. 

“I- no, it’s fine. I can- I can make it, just not if I’m back in class. Especially because this week is the gender-segregated class, and everyone remembers me, and I don’t wanna have to deal with that.”

“If you need to relax for a few, we can go,” they said. “I have a vortex manipulator, so it’s not that hard.” 

He went silent for a few minutes, and eventually nodded. “Okay.” They pulled out their vortex manipulator, already warning their spouses to either stop or move to the bedroom. Adam reached out his hand, remembering vaguely how the vortex manipulators worked. “Hey. Thanks.” He said softly.  sbdnrjdjbtykdbtknkfktg valid

“Always.” They finished setting the vortex manipulator and activated it, teleporting them both into the console room. The Master and the Rani were standing next to the console, clothes disheveled but at least present. Awkwardly giving them a two-fingered salute, Adam speed-walked past them and into the Zero Room. 

“That was… way too close,” the Master muttered. 

“And entirely your fault,” the Rani teased. He snorted and went about fixing his outfit.

Inside the Zero Room, Adam let out a breath he may or may not have been consciously holding in. He sprawled out on the floor, closing his eyes and just letting himself exist. The humming of the TARDIS was reassuring, a gentle background noise and something equivalent of the TARDIS frowning and hugging him as a kind of apology for the church. He patted the floor. “It’s not your fault, you don’t need to apologize.” The TARDIS made a soft chime in acknowledgement, still trying to comfort him.

He must have laid there for 20, 30 minutes before finally sitting up again. Sighing, he leaned against one of the walls, and grabbed his phone. Sarah had texted him a few times, trying to find him, but there was one final text saying that the Doctor had told her an that she hoped he was gonna be okay, frowny emoji. He sighed again, and stood up, gently poking his head outside the door. Not seeing anyone, he exited again, walking back to the console room. Spotting the Doctor, he signed, “Thank you for responding to Sarah.”

“She seemed pretty worried,” they explained. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to get an earful about it later.”

“Yeah. Most of my family either forgot or ignores my anxiety, but they still notice me leaving a room. My siblings are less aggressive about it, but undoubtedly my mom is gonna be hhhhh about it.” He signed.

“Well, that’s just another thing your parents can give the Ridleys hell for,” they said, grinning.

Adam smiled back, and took another deep breath. “We should probably get back before they panic more. At least, get back to the car before the hour ends.” The Doctor pulled out the vortex manipulator again. “Hey, wait, what exactly did you tell Sarah? Just so that we get the story straight.”

“That you started getting a headache, so I took you outside to help you get rid of it,” they replied.

“Ah. Thank you.” 

“Any time, son.”

He grinned again, and held out his hand. The Doctor transported them to just outside the church, then pocketed the vortex manipulator again. People were beginning to leave the building, and only a few families had made it to their cars already. Adam shrugged, and started back to the car in the parking lot. “We usually meet at the car, rather than try and meet inside. It’s easier that way.” They nodded and followed him. Within 10 minutes, the rest of the Ridley family assembled outside the car. Joseph immediately got in the driver’s seat, and so did the others. Squished in the car again, they made their return journey to the Ridley house.


	17. Satan Bless It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The Rani threatens someone with a knife! It's Not Great

By the time that night came, the Rani was pacing outside, fidgeting with a few flowers she’d picked up and was slowly shredding between her sharp, wine-red nails.

“Have a little patience, my dearest queen,” the Master murmured in her ear. “It’s almost time.” He’d just returned from the TARDIS, now completely in costume. He was dressed in a tailored black suit with red velvet trim, a long cloak pinned to his shoulders. The cloak was black silk with a red velvet lining, and small flame decals decorated the pins. In contrast, the Rani wore a skintight, floor-length black dress slashed with crimson, a slit up the left side running all the way to her upper thigh, and her hair hung nearly to her waist in soft ringlets. Her makeup was dark, severe, and included red glitter across her cheekbones and bare shoulders. She was also about three inches taller than normal, thanks to the black stilettos she wore.

“Hey, Mom, Pops.” Adam said quietly, taking a seat on the planter box nearby them.

“Almost time?” the Doctor asked, walking over with their hands in their pockets. They wore a white version of their normal suit, although it was patterned to look as though it was smeared with ash and soot.

“Yeah, probably. Uhh, other, not as rad mom said that dinner’s being served in about 10 minutes, and that’s when I’m gonna- take a pickaxe to the closet doors.” Somewhat awkwardly, he mimed hacking down the doors. “And after that, go hog wild. I- somehow, I don’t think we’re going to be invited to stay much longer after this.” He gave a thin smile.

“For the best, my dear,” the Master said, tucking something garishly pink into the inside of his jacket pocket. “You remember the key word to bring us in?”

“Satan bless it.” Adam said jokingly, and then nodded. “Yeah, yeah, peanut butter cookies.”

“No, wait, I have an idea,” the Master interjected quickly. “Go with the ‘Satan bless it’ thing.”

“How am I supposed to work that into normal conversation?!”

“Drop something, and instead of saying ‘goddammit’ like a normal person, say ‘Satan bless it’ instead!”

“Instead of saying goddamnit like a goddamn average Joe.” He grinned. The Rani gave him a thumbs-up. 

“Go on, sweetling. We’ll be listening.”

“Hokay.” He sighed, and kicked his feet back and forth. Suddenly looking up, he blurted out, “Is this really a good idea?”

“If you want to never be invited to a family function again, yeah,” the Master replied. “It’s beyond blasphemous and, quite frankly, fucking hilarious.” He and the Doctor activated the spy-cams hidden in their outfits.

“Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.” Adam mumbled, and sighed. He walked to the back door, and opened it with a deep breath.

The dinner table was moved from the normal dining room into the living room, and set up by another several tables. Most of the rest of the family was already seated, with four seats left empty in the middle of the table, directly across from Joseph and Patience. Grimacing, Adam took a seat. Around the table were multiple family members that he had no recollection of, but were still smiling, deadnaming him, telling him how proud they were of him for this internship they’d just heard about. Eventually, the chatter broke off into smaller conversations again, most of which Adam wasn’t listening to until his deadname came up.

“Oh, I can’t  _ wait _ for you to grow up!” Patience said, placing an excited hand on Amelia’s shoulder and smiling down at the baby in her arms. “Your little baby Adam is so cute-”

Adam nearly spit out his water. “Wait, baby  _ what _ ?”

Patience gave him a concerned look. “Adam. Weren’t you paying attention earlier, during his blessing?”

Almost standing up, he started a curse - “Go-” and then caught himself, and stumbled mentally, and rose while blurting out “SATAN BLESS IT!”

Realizing all conversation had stopped, he turned red. Just then, the Master sauntered in, wearing a simple red headband, atop which were two comical-looking devil’s horns covered in red glitter.

“Your favourite devil on your shoulder has arrived,” he said, using a psychic projection to make it appear as though his eyes briefly flashed red. “You called me?”

“WERE YOU PLANNING THIS?” Adam squeaked, fighting between grinning at his adopted father and melting into the floor and dying of embarrassment. From somewhere outside, the Rani took on a childish tone and started singing  _ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star _ as ominously as possible.

“You called us, son,” the Master pointed out. “You called for my blessing, and unlike your family’s so-called ‘God’, I actually responded.”

Before any and all chaos could erupt, Adam turned back to the table and yelled, “I’M TRANS!” The singing outside stopped, and there was the sounds of heels clicking softly. The Rani swept into the room, and atop her head was a matching headband to the Master’s, although hers was black, and a flower crown surrounded it. The Doctor was at her side, looking like a fallen angel wearing a white headband with a childish version of a halo on top, complete with gold tinsel wound around it. The Rani was quietly singing in Latin, and the Doctor was drinking a coffee. 

“Uhh. Yeah. I- I go by Adam, and I’m a dude. I’m the same person I was before, y’know, the- the person who loved painting and used to play piano for everyone and who spent an entire week playing Undertale because I loved the music.”

“Except now you’re also our precious Prince of Hell,” the Master concluded, putting a set of bright pink glittery horns on Adam’s head. 

“I hear we missed the blessing of a child,” the Rani said in a much more airy voice, as though she were about to perform a spell. From seemingly nowhere, she pulled out a miniature bottle of wine, about the size of her hand from her palm to the tip of her middle finger. There were scandalous gasps from all around the room. Taking a swig, she began to chant in ancient Latin, sounding as though she was cursing the entire family as she made eye contact with each of them in turn. In actuality, she was reciting one of her favourite poems from around the Roman Empire.

“I- I was not planning on any of this, but quite frankly? Real glad it’s happening.” He stuttered, trying to breathe.

Joseph stood up, staring Adam down. “ **[REDACTED]** , please leave.”

Adam stared back at him. “I respect that you’re maybe uncomfortable with the Saxons, and quite frankly, I wasn’t expecting this either, but I literally just told you my name. I’d appreciate it if you used it.”

“I am not encouraging my daughter in sin! And quite honestly, I don’t know who your friends think they are-” The Master cut him off.

“I’m the king of hell, the master of the universe,” he said. 

“And I’m his queen, Persephone,” the Rani said, deciding to be even  _ more _ blasphemous and go Pagan. 

“Don’t expect any help from me,” the Doctor said, despite being dressed as an angel. “I’m with them.” To prove a point, the Master grabbed the Doctor by their jacket and kissed them fiercely. The Rani bit her lip subtly. 

Joseph pushed his chair out, making an obvious squealing noise. “Get out.”

“We’re taking your  _ son _ with us,” the Master said, pulling away from the Doctor with an obvious reluctance. 

“ _ Adam _ is coming with us” the Rani added. He’s  _ our _ son. You lot? You don’t qualify as parents, not if you treat your children like that.”

“You have no right to comment on my family like that-”

“Maybe so, but I do.” Adam said, perhaps more firm than he’d been over the two days. “And honestly? If you’re kicking me out for this, I think she’s got a point.”

“You dare question my rights?” the Rani snarled. “I am the queen of a civilisation far older than even your precious  _ Book _ , and one of the last heirs of another civilisation far older than  _ that _ . I have birthed four children of my own, and I will not hesitate to take in yet another child whose family has  _ failed them _ . You, Joseph Ridley, and you, Patience Ridley, have failed as parents. You don’t deserve to be able to bear children, and were it in my power, I’d carve you apart where I stand and prevent any and all from your line who think as you do from ever being able to reproduce. None of you are  _ worthy _ to have children!” With a tiny grunt of effort, the Doctor hoisted Adam up and carried him outside. Adam made a startled squeaking noise, but didn’t bother resisting (he knew damn well his legs were too shaky to get him out anyways.) The Rani continued spitting curses at the Ridleys in Gallifreyan, damning them to the furthest of the seven hells of Gallifreyan belief, and wishing she had the ability to slaughter them all like the animals they acted like.

“HOW DARE YOU!” Joseph yelled back, stepping away from the table. “BRING MY DAUGHTER BACK, AND LET ME TALK TO HER.”

“Can’t you get it into your warped skull, Joseph Brigham Ridley?” she asked coldly, stepping across the room to hold his own dinner knife to his throat. “Your daughter no longer exists. She is not even a  _ daughter _ !  _ He _ is your  _ son _ , not that he should ever be associated with you and your miserable brood!” The knife began to draw blood. “Were it not for my son pleading with me to spare your miserable lives, I would kill you, and every last person who dared to stand in my way. You should thank your  _ god _ that I’ve decided to listen.” She pulled the knife away slightly, knowing that the mark she’d made would leave a permanent scar. “If you ever contact my son again, I’ll reopen your throat in full, right along this scar. Mark my words.” She took a step back.

“And the same will be said if you ever try to harm another closeted child in your family,” the Master added. “Don’t bother going to the police, or the press. I can assure you, nobody will believe you, and you don’t want that attention on yourself. We might just come back.”

Joseph, holding a napkin against his throat, nodded. “I wasn’t planning on ever talking to-  _ Adam _ again.”

“Cool, neither was I.” Adam hollered from the doorway.

“My warning goes to everyone in this room,” the Rani said, just before slamming the knife into the table. As Gallifreyans had considerably more strength than humans, the knife was buried to the hilt. “Just imagine that table being your hearts, should we hear otherwise. We  _ will _ be watching.” With that, she turned on her heel and swept from the room, with the Master at her heels. 

Sitting just outside the Rani’s TARDIS was Hartley, staring absently at the temple spires. As soon as they spotted the procession, they stood up, pulling off their earbuds. They yelled something into the TARDIS, and Clem and Reese both ran out as well, watching them with semi-anxious faces. The Rani was arm-in-arm with the Master behind the Doctor, droplets of blood staining her forearm. “So?” Hartley asked. “Wait, fuck, is that blood?? Adam-”

“Hart, it’s fine, I- I’m fine.” He said, still carried by the Doctor. “Mom just- mm. Joseph got a little hnrg and Mom got very hhhhhh and- and it’s fine, no one died.”

“Your mother threatened Joseph Ridley with his own dinner knife for continuing to misgender Adam,” the Master summarised. “Gave him what was likely a permanent scar, too.”

“I mean, that’s- goddamn terrifying, but at least he won’t forget.” Hartley said, blinking.

“And what about witnesses?” Clem said, raising an eyebrow.

“I think they’ll be…  _ persuaded _ to keep quiet,” the Rani replied, smirking slightly. 

“I think some of Evelyn’s stock of hot chocolate is in order,” the Doctor decided, setting Adam down gently. Then they turned to the Master and, under their breath, added, “You can finish what you started later.”

“Yeah, hot chocolate sounds, uh, nice.” Adam said quietly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Or tea. Just to be even more heathen.”

“I’d say let’s go get milk tea, but this is Utah.” Reese said, gesturing around them.

“Sweetling, we have a  _ time machine _ ,” the Rani reminded them. “We could go to France and drink  _ cafe au lait _ atop the Eiffel Tower, if you wanted to.”

“Or get fucking sloshed on German beer,” the Master added jokingly. The Rani elbowed him sharply.

“Love to, still 18.” Reese grinned.

“Which is legal in the UK, of which you’re a citizen given the adoption,” he pointed out, only for th Rani to elbow him again. 

“Valid, but I’d also like to, y’know, fall asleep at some point tonight.” Adam said. “I- I don’t wanna be a bother, let’s just do hot c-chocolate.”

“My dear son,” the Rani murmured, pulling him into a hug. “You are  _ never _ a bother to us. I promise you that.”

“I say we get some rest after cocoa tonight, and then have a day of it tomorrow. Italy for pasta, perhaps?” the Doctor suggested. “Maybe get some bananas from the 1920s and compare them to modern bananas?”

Adam laughed, pretending he wasn’t sobbing. The Rani began to hum a lullaby to him, the same one she always sang to calm them down. “What is it with you and bananas?” Clem asked, shaking her head with a grin.

“Bananas are brilliant!” they replied, bouncing on their heels. “Always bring a banana to a party, Clem. I invented the banana daiquiri, did you know that? In France!”

Under her breath, she muttered, “Goddamnit, walked into that one.”

“Yeah, you kind of did,” the Rani agreed, laughing.

“I- I like the cocoa plan.” Adam said, looking up sheepishly. “Is th-that okay with everyone?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Hart said, glancing around at the faces of the others. Everyone else nodded assent. 

“Quiet movie night with cocoa, then?” the Rani suggested.

“Cool beans.” Hartley grinned. “Musical or Disney movie or what?”

“We should watch  _ Jurassic Park _ ,” Diana said, climbing out of a vent on the ceiling. 

“Sounds good, but why were you up there?” Clem asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t ask questions that you aren’t prepared to hear the answer to, little sister,” Diana replied vaguely.

“That’s so concerning on so many levels.” 

“As it should be.” 

She snorted. “Valid.”


	18. Attend the Tale of Sweeney Todd

“How do I look?” the Rani asked, adjusting her corset dress and looking at the Master. He was busy chalking a few streaks of grey into his hair. 

“Brilliant as ever, my dear Mrs. Lovett,” he replied with a grin. She passed him the set of silver razors she’d bought for just this purpose. “Do the kids know?”

“Not in the slightest, far as I know,” she said. “Let’s go make dinner, yeah? I’m craving meat pies.”

Clem raised an eyebrow as she walked down the hallway.  “Should I be concerned at all, or is this part of the game y’all play?” The Rani let out a quiet groan at being found out.

“Part of the game,” she replied. “We got bored, so… here we are.”

“Well, use protection, I guess.” She shrugged, and moved on. The Master snorted and followed the Rani into the kitchen. With a burble that sounded like tired resignation, the TARDIS started to play the instrumental for  _ A Little Priest _ . Thankfully, the collection of kiddos were wearing headphones or otherwise not paying attention, so the two would be uninterrupted until they were ready. The Rani was making  _ actual _ meat pies while acting out the song, though obviously they didn’t contain human meat. The TARDIS chimed to alert the kiddos that they should head to the kitchen. Slightly concerned, they made their respective ways, Adam decked out in a weighted blanket around his shoulders, and Reese with their earbuds still in.

“ _ What _ is  _ that _ ?” the Master asked, wrinkling his nose at the pie the Rani handed him. 

“It’s priest. Have a little priest.”

“Is it really good?”

“Sir, it’s too good, at least! Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh, so it’s pretty fresh.” She shrugged. 

“Awful lot of fat.”

“Only where it sat.”

“Haven’t you got poet, or something like that?”

“No, you see, the trouble with poet is how do you know it’s deceased? Try the priest.”

“Should- should I be concerned?” Reese asked, staring at their parents with wide eyes.

Behind them, Hartley walked into the doorway, and immediately started laughing. The Master and the Rani continued on with the song, managing to not start laughing mid-sentence. “Hartley, do you? Know what’s happening?” Reese squeaked, hoping their cousin-sibling would compose themself soon. Much to their disappointment, Hart didn’t. Clem and Adam both walked into the room, and Hartley immediately leaned on Adam for support, wheezing. As soon as the song finished, the Doctor walked in, dressed like Adolfo Pirelli and speaking with a heavy Italian accent. Hartley started laughing harder, wiping their eyes in futility as Adam eventually had to grab them around the waist to keep them from hitting their head. The Master walked over to the Doctor and feigned cutting their throat, and they grabbed at their throat as they fell. Reese’s eyes widened further in concern, and looked back at the others for help. Clem and Adam shrugged in mutual confusion.

“Signor Pirelli?” Diana called, dressed as Tobias Ragg. The Doctor twitched with silent laughter. To their credit, the Master and the Rani stayed perfectly in character. Hartley’s legs gave out and they curled up on the floor, cackling and crying. Adam awkwardly sat by them, patting their head in concern. Deciding to just wrap this up, the Master tapped the wall three times, and across the hall, the Rani’s lab lit up red. The Master twirled the Rani a few times before shoving her into the lab. 

“Oh dear,” she said, completely straight-faced. “I’m melting. Burning to ash. Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal. Oh, the pain is unbearable.”

“Hart, can you breathe?” Clem asked, looking down at them. They didn’t respond, just kept cackling breathlessly. They gathered themself together enough to yell “RIP MOM”, and then went back to cry-laughing. Diana picked up the fake razor and feigned slashing it across the Master’s throat. He pulled a bag of fake blood from his pocket and squirted it on her as he fell. 

“Oh, the betrayal! I am slain! Betrayed by someone I trusted!” he yelled. “Curse you! Goodbye, cruel world!”

“Why did you have to fuck Mum when you did…?” Diana groaned under her breath. “Why was I born, just to suffer? I wish my egg had never been fertilised.”

Reese snorted, and Hartley rolled over, sobbing and pawing at their glasses in an attempt to take them off. Adam removed them for them, still highly concerned. Diana pretended to slash her own throat and dropped silently to the floor, the razor dripping with fake blood as it clattered against the tile.

“Hi, what the fuck?” Reese asked, grinning but still clearly confused.

“The glories of musical theatre,” the Doctor said, then touched their throat. “Kos, I think you nicked me a bit, love.” There were a few beads of blood against their throat. Behind them, Clem immediately started rifling through her pockets for the bandages Hartley and Adam made her always carry. The Master scrambled up and ran over to the Doctor, already apologising profusely. Having found the roll, Clem tossed it over to the poly parents.

“Thank you, Clem,” the Master said, bandaging what was really only a shaving cut (ha). She nodded.

“What- what musical?” Adam asked, letting Hartley lean into his lap as they wiped their eyes again. The three polys picked their heads up in unison. 

“Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!” they sang, with the Doctor slightly off-key. Hartley went back to sobbing. 

“Ah.” Clem said, nodding. “They has us watch the Hamilton intro parody of it, but I don’t think we’ve seen it.”

“You would- wouldn’t forget it.” Hartley wheezed, rolling over again.

“We ought to set up the theatre, then,” the Rani suggested. “We can watch the original version and the Tim Burton film version.”

“Sounds good.” Adam said, and Reese nodded at the same time, mumbling “Yes, please.” The Rani grinned and went to set it all up.

After several minutes of silence, Hartley finally stood up, sniffling and wiping their eyes with a huge grin. “Holy shit.” They giggled. “I love this fucking family.”

“Oh, you should have seen us when  _ Hamilton _ first came out,” the Doctor said, laughing. “Ushas was Angelica, I was Alexander, and Koschei was Burr.”

“My friends and I used to sing  _ The Schuyler Sisters _ just about every day. I was always Eliza, cause I had a banging falsetto.” Hartley grinned, gently taking their glasses back from Adam.

“Throwback to  _ Hamilton _ being how we met,” the Rani said, grinning as she walked back into the room.

“God, yeah.” Adam said, grinning softly. Hart leaned back into him, sighing.

“Wait, you met through Hamilton?” Reese repeated.

“Yeah? Didn’t we tell you?”

“No???”

Adam laughed softly. 

“My companion Ellie and I were singing  _ Hamilton _ when Hart first showed up,” the Rani explained.

“Aaaaaah. Valid.”

“Broadway brings families together,” the Doctor joked.

“The family that Broadways together, stays together.” Clem grinned. Everyone started laughing.


End file.
